Episode 5: Religumatics
ACT ONE
EXT.ESTAB. SUBURBS, EVAN’S HOUSE - DAY
INT. EVAN’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME
EVAN, JAY, on the couch, JULIE, on the single seat, LEN, on the floor, all sit around with school books, doing homework.
LENSo, multiples of 4 with exponential additions of 1. What are they?JAYAgain with that! You know, this isn’t Grade 6. Though, I do miss the nap times.JULIEJay, Grade 6 wasn’t Kindergarten.JAYSome traditions are worth keeping!LEN(looking around)
This is weird. Why are we working here in a non-cafeteria?EVANYou guys were nice enough to accept me into your smart group, so I wanted to make it up by opening my home to you. Pâté, anyone?
He holds out a tray with globs of brown chunks, neatly dispersed across it.
EVANIt’s peanut butter. I don’t know what pâté is.JAYI have Physics class in 10 minutes. You live 45 minutes away from the school.
Len takes a sample of the peanut butter globs and enjoys it.
Ah, yes. Evan treats his friends gooder from ovvers.
Just then, SAMANTHA, Evan’s mother, enters through the front door, in fluster, carrying bags of groceries.
SAMANTHADammit. It’s that annoying Mrs. Jennings; always trying to offer me free zumba classes. What’s with people and zumba classes? If I wanted to be sweaty in a room full of strangers, I’d work out of an Italian Bakery.EVANDude, mom, watch the subject matter-- Classmates, here.SAMANTHAOh, hi Evan’s friends. You get where I’m coming from, don’t you? The sweats are just the worst.EVANUgggh. Never mind. Why can’t you just get along with the neighbours?SAMANTHAI just can’t, sweetie. The thought of interacting with the same people in a pseudo-random basis goes all against the nature of spontaneity. And I just can’t have that.JAYHere, here, Mrs. B!(whisper to Evan)Dude, your mom is hot. Too bad I’m not as well-endowed as Len, here is, for example.Fourth wall break: Len turns to the CAMERA with a smile and a thumbs-up.
CHOIR (V.O.)Asian guys! They can have big @#$%’s too!
Back to scene:
SAMANTHAOh, damn. I forgot the bagged milk. How is it I always forget that? The bags are see through, and you can actually see the milk.
She leaves out through the front door. The group gets back to homework, but here’s a woman’s scream and a crash come from outside.
EXT. BERTRAM HOUSE - FRONT DRIVEWAY
Samantha has backed her car right into the neighbourhood multi-mailbox (next to their driveway) in an attempt to avoid hitting MRS. LESLIE, 80s, old, grey. The back left tire has been knocked out, rendering her car useless.
Samantha pops her head out of her window.
SAMANTHAOh, Mrs. Leslie, it’s just that I was in such a flustered rush. I’m sorry. I didn’t see you!MRS. LESLIEDear, me!(beat)Oh, Sweetie, accidents do happen. It is I who is sorry. I’m sorry, Samantha.
Another neighbour, MR. DENNINGS, 70s, grey hair, approaches.
MR. DENNINGSBy Canada’s red faced, multi-patterned, almighty king, Don Cherry! An accident! Oh, Samantha, I feel so bad about your car!
Another neighbour, MR. JELLICO, 50s, walking his dog, stops.
MR. JELLICOAre you alright, Samantha? If not, please accept my condolences!SAMANTHA(to self)Ugh. Dammit. More neighbours.(to Jellico)No, it’s okay, Mr. Jellico, no need to comfort me!MR. JELLICOOh my. Sorry about that!MRS. LESLIEDo you need an ambulance, dearie? I should’ve offered earlier. My apologies.
Samantha gets out of her car.
SAMANTHANo, I’m fine, like I said earlier. No need to apologize.MRS. LESLIEIt’s just that there are procedures in situations like these. I’m sorry that there are. Procedures, that is.MR. DENNINGSYeah, your health is what’s important here. I’m sorry if you feel otherwise.
Just then, another neighbour, KIRK, 30s, jogging, stops but keeps jogging in place.
KIRKOh, Samantha! You look to be in a precarious situation. I’m feel horrible that you’re in one. Truly, deeply am I sorry.SAMANTHANo. No more neighbours, please! I’m fine. I’m just going to go inside where there are none of you. It’s my safe haven!
She walks away, back to her house, more frustrated at her neighbours than anything.
INT. BERTRAM HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Samantha bursts through the front door, flustered, as before.
SAMANTHADamn those neighbours! They’re like Merylin Denis to plastic surgery!EVANDid you forget the hazmat suit?SAMANTHAIt’s in the laundry!(beat)Don’t the neighbours know I hate person-to-person interaction.(gestures to Evan)I mean, other than the basics, I barely even want to talk to you.EVAN(to the group)Don’t worry. The feeling’s mutual. We just like to give each other space. Teenagers, right?(to Samantha)Alright, mom. You go get cleaned up now and dinner will be ready in a few.SAMANTHAI’m not hungry! Not only are those Fun Dip suckers sucking the joy out of being outside, but the over-apologizing is agonizing and just too, too much.JAYActually, Canada is the only place in the world where people are constantly over-apologizing. Samantha’s experiences aren’t that far beyond the norm.LENYeah, most out-of-country visitors are grateful and pleasantly surprised by our politeness-- Not including the Americans, who liken their violent reactions to our sounds to misophonia.JULIEI don’t know, guys. I heard some strange, esoteric things happen here when you apologize too much. Horrible... evil things.SAMANTHAOh, you kids and your kid-talk. Well, I just need a break. I’m going to lie down and watch two hours of Corner Gas. You just can’t go wrong with that.
She goes upstairs.
NATE, lake serpent, enters through the front door.
NATEWhat the hell? You guys got together without me? How rude is that!EVANYou said you had a kitchen to renovate?NATEOh that. It turned out to be a homeless guy wanting crack. Not that all homeless guys want crack. Some just want to cuddle and fool around.
The group starts getting up off their seats.
JAYWell, we’re pretty much done here anyway.(to Evan and Nate)We’re auditioning for jobs with the Calgary Stampede, who are in town, trying to recruit bull and cattle pokers.EVANThat seems oddly inhumane for your highly evolved types?LENHey, students got to eat. --I mean, through making money. Not the cattle.(beat)Wait. That’s brilliant!
Julie, Jay and Len leave, out the front door. Once they’re gone, there’s a knock. Evan opens the door and finds SANDRINE, late-30s, buisness-casual, knee-high work-dress, AND MADDOX, late-30s, work-suit. The two hold up their ID’s.
SANDRINEHi. We’re Agents Sandrine and Maddox of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service--MADDOXThe CSIS.NATE(scared)Oh my God. You’ve finally come to kill me and cook my hide!(beat)This is all because I taste amazing!SANDRINENo, we’re here because we’re investigating reports of excessive apologizing in this area. And, as CSIS Agents, security is our highest concern.EVANCan I point out how ridiculous it is that someone actually called you about that? And how exactly is that a security threat??MADDOX(snaps finger)You’d better learn to respect authority, kid! The CSIS is the Canadian version MI6-- who are the Canadian versions of the FBI-- who, themselves, are the Canadian versions of the KGB.
The two walk away, up the driveway, and turn left onto the sidewalk for the next house. At the right-hand corner of his driveway and the sidewalk, Evan notices KIMMY, student, religious, holding a Christian cross necklace, attractive, calmly standing and staring up at the sky in wait of something. The sky has become over-cast and grey.
Kimmy, scared, turns her head and notices Evan. Evan waves and smiles in hopes of making a friend.
Kimmy ignores and resumes her staring-at of the sky.
EVANWell, that was one-sided.NATEHave you seen you? I mean, come on!(beat)I kept that generic enough to be a compliment or an insult. It’s up to you. Go nuts.
Suddenly, Mrs. Leslie approaches with a tin can of cookies.
MRS. LESLIEOh, Evan, dear. I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to offer these apology cookies to your mother, in sincere concession for her almost killing me two weeks before my death due date.EVANIf that’s the case, then aren’t you the victim??MRS. LESLIEOh, I’m so, very regretful. Did I do something wrong?
Then, Mr. Jellico approaches, with his dog.
MR. JELLICOWell, my little Scruffy, here, almost did his business on your lawn earlier. I just wanted to say sorry for what could have been.EVANWho the hell cares??? Damn you, Canadians!
Unnoticed, the clouds start to swirl, in storm fashion, overhead. Then, Kirk jogs over.
KIRKOh, hi, there Evan! I’m sorry; I wanted to say something relevant to you just now, but I completely forgot what it was. Now that’s something to be sorry about. I’m even sorry for being sorry about that! Hah!
The clouds over head begin to swirl even more.
Nate tugs on Evan’s shirt.
With Evan’s following speech, the clouds overhead begin to swirl increasingly violently, and shoot out lighting and rack thunder.
EVAN(worked up)No. No, this is exactly what’s going down: I’m sorry that you neighbours don’t seem to pick up on anti-social queues. I’m sorry that you guys can’t seem to leave well enough alone. I’m sorry Tim Hortons has become our national religion! I’m sorry we produce the most embarrassing musicians in the world! I’m sorry Mike Bullard had a TV show once! I’m sorry that you Canadians don’t have a spine! And I’m sorry that you’re ruining our country’s reputation by being overly, over-the-top, over-insanely-kind!!
Suddenly, the storm overhead racks a giant thunder sound, turning everyone’s attention to it. In the sky, over the street in front of Evan’s driveway, a rip in the space-time continuum is torn. The rip, opens up, bordered by powerful lightning currents and cloudy edging; the inside: a cold and barren wasteland. The rip stops opening when one of its ends reaches the road.
Everyone looks on at it in shock.
END OF ACT ONE