Canadiology 4A

 Episode 4: Hockey Hall of War

ACT ONE

EXT. ESTAB. SCHOOL - DAY

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA, SMART TABLE - SAME

EVAN, JAY, JULIE, LEN sit at the table, with homework books open in front of them.

EVAN

Anyone not still completely wasted from the beer episode?

JULIE

Bro. Like we’ve said a thousand times over, we don’t know what you mean by “episode”??

JAY

Speaking of talking. Anyone watching the games? You guys pick teams yet?

LEN

Meh. NOW Magazine is predicting a 5 in 8000 chance the Leafs will even make the playoffs. They make it to the ice, which, in itself has a different set of odds.

JULIE

I like sports, but I’m not in like with sports. Same goes for Netflix marathoning. If you’re looking for what’s interesting about me, I do have opinions and intelligent conversati-- 

JAY

Pass.
(beat)
 What about you, Evan?

EVAN

Uh, yeah. I sure do love those games and stuff. Huzzah! Excelsior!

JAY

Those aren’t the applicable words for the games in question. Do you even know what sport we’re talking about?

EVAN

Bochi ball, of course-- the version which is also a lacrosse/swimming hybrid.

JAY

I can’t believe you had no idea we were talking about hockey! It’s Canada’s major sport-- if you pretend Lacrosse doesn’t exist.

EVAN

Dude, bro, dude, guy. I know all about hockey, with the knight and the rook and those little bald-headed dwarfies.

JAY

That’s chess! What the hell? Are you saying you don’t even know what hockey is??

EVAN

Guy, compadre, el Salvador, muchachos, chobit--- So to wrap up, no.

JAY

Hockey is a quasi-team sport, haphazardly engaged on ice, in which players frantically, to our amusement, scramble to hit a small, rubber projectile of our choosing into a guarded net using aero-dynamic, hand-held, wooden sticks.

EVAN

The stick thing sounds like something men can relate to. Are you saying everyone watches hockey?

JAY

Every-- single-- person-- in the country.
(beat)
If you don’t, you’re not Canadian. You think I’m exaggerating, but the Liberals actually passed a law in which the Federal Government can and has taken people’s citizenships away for not, at least, acknowledging hockey.

EVAN

That’s impressive. I’m more swayed by the extremes than the logistics. I’m in!
(beat)
So, how do I get started? Is there an initiation process which involves stripping and humiliation?

LEN

Those are the drunken bar nights which happen weekly. You’ll adapt to them through repetition.

Suddenly, NATE approaches and joins them at the table.

NATE

Homework, huh? Never been. Is it nice?

JULIE

It’s not a place. It’s a thing you do. You’re going to this school, so why aren’t you doing it?

NATE

Ah, the mysteries of horse headed lake serpents. We shall never know.

LEN

Speaking of which, why don’t you wear clothes? Isn’t it strange being naked all the time?

NATE

I’m a free spirit!

 (beat)

 That, and I’m kind of an exhibitionist. You guys have no idea where my genitals are, and that excites me.

(beat)

 Oh, forget it. Here.

Shot: Med CU of NATE (above waste) as he jiggles a little and then there is a heavy THUNK sound of something hitting the floor.

The group reacts in wide-eyed shock.

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME DAY

Later, Nate happens to see his next-door-locker friend, CALVIN, student, brown hair, busy, switching out books. Nate looks depressed.

NATE

Well, it happened again. Someone brought up the naked thing. This time it was more of a bigger deal than last.

CALVIN

Hey man. You just need to be yourself and forget about what those other kids say. They’re just jealous of your confidence.

NATE

Yeah, but this time it’s different: This time I felt like they had a point. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

CALVIN

No. You’ve been doing it right from the start. You just need to make it bigger. You need to go up in a bang.

NATE

You’re right. Being nude is a part of who I am, and I’m not a part of the problem. They are! You know, and maybe, maybe I’m not the only one.

(beat)

Thank you, Calvin, for your counsel, and for your love.

They share a moment.

CALVIN

No. Thank you,

(beat)

 for not wearing clothes.

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY 2 - SAME DAY

Jay and Evan walk down the corridor. 

EVAN

So, now that I’m a huuuuge hockey fan, who are the teams? 

JAY

Well, for the sake of simplicity, we’ll cover the only league that actually matters: the all-male NHL.

EVAN

Isn’t there a women’s one?

JAY

There are several, actually, quite successful and well executed, but, unfortunately, no one knows what they are. Anyway, on to the Canadian NHL teams. We’ll start with the lesser ones and move our way sideways and then possibly up.

(beat)

To begin, the bottom of the barrel: The Edmonton Oilers. A teeny-bopper, point-fail team, with no dreams or aspirations of scoring what-so-ever. Many fans end up switching to Detroit.

(beat)

Next we have the Winnipeg Jets: A slow-moving group of young lads, with spikes of confusion when on the ice. They may actually not be legal. We’re not sure at the moment.

(beat)

Then there’s the Calgary Flames: A team that refuses to score-- just absolutely denies any reason for it. And when they do, it’s got to be an accident. I mean, there’s just no way they intended on it. Impossible!

The two are suddenly interrupted by a male voice, CARSON, mid-20’s, wearing a non-stand-out trench coat.

CARSON

Hey! You bro-towns talking about ice whacker? Also known as hockey?

Evan and Jay turn to find CARSON sitting alone at a table, in the hallway. There are several hockey pamphlets on his table.

CARSON

Well, I know everything there is to know about hock-a-doodle-yocky! It’s the sport of kings, the challenge of Spartans, the glory hole of the male brand itself. 

EVAN

Gee, mister, you seem to exist and stuff, don’t you?

CARSON

I sure do, kid! And I only exist for ice smack down 3000-- which is another way to say “hockey”-- the most noble, well-executed and fair test of manhood known to the human world, and maybe even some non-human worlds! Why limit ourselves!? Why is my mother always on my case???

JAY

I like the cut of your jib. Not that I’m into jibs. But I once experimented.

CARSON

Well, then allow me to introduce myself. I’m Carson and I’m promoting NHL hockey, right here at your quote-unquote “education scam facility”. You see, ever since Canadians have been switching from regular entertainment to hard core pornography, the league and I have been seeing a decrease in viewer numbers. Not to mention that American plague which has leaked across our borders and begun picking off people one-by-one, so we need all the exposure we can get.

JAY

(rehearsed)

Have you tried social media? Social media gets the word out there!

CARSON

(anger)

I’ll murder you all!!

(normal)

Sorry. I meant to say, we don’t like to acknowledge mainstream platforms, so as to keep our edge.

EVAN

A property that hates social media? It’s like a dream come true! I’m in for whatever pamphlets you have. Don’t be shy. I once unfolded a fortune cookie. It told me I would move to Ottawa and wear baggy pants.

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY, OUTSIDE THE PHOTOGRAPHY CLASSROM - DAY

Julie and Len curiously follow a line-up of naked students to the Photography classroom. Velvet ropes lead to the door and a bouncer, HARKENS, the curriculum director, short (Dwarf), holds a clipboard with a list. Inside the open door is a tropical motif/decor and relaxing music. 

JULIE

Mr. Harkens? Aren’t you the Curriculum Director??

HARKENS

The curriculum has been made, Julie. You’re all doing it right now. I can’t be explaining that to you kids every time.

LEN

If you don’t mind my forming of words into a question, how are you okay with all these naked students? Isn’t this against school rules, and the law, and social squeamishness?

HARKENS

I need a job, son! I’ve been bored out of my mind for who-knows-how-long! I don’t even know what year it is right now. 

LEN

It’s---

HARKENS

--Don’t tell me! Lalalalala!

Harkens drops his clipboard and runs off with his hands on his ears (as he says “Lalalalala”).

Just then, Nate steps out and takes notice of them.

JULIE

Nate, what is going on here?

NATE

I’ll have you know I started my own nude club. You see, your criticizing of my being naked made me realize how petty and small people can be about clothing, especially if they’re petty and small, so I decided to combat that with an institution which directly defies those conventions! All body types are welcome here, no matter what weird growth or infectious disease you are likely to have in this day and age.

JULIE

But people need clothes to keep their eyes from drifting. What you’re doing is creating chaos and madness!

NATE

No, you’re the chaos, Julie. Your society stuffs your body repertoire with decade-specified fabrics, colours and styles. Every ten years! Make up your mind!

He walks away.

EXT. HOCKEY HALL OF FAME, TORONTO - DAY

Evan and Jay are dropped off from a bus and the two them approach the building from a street sidewalk for the Hockey Hall of Fame. They pause just before it.

JAY

So, have you decided on a team yet?

EVAN

I haven’t gone through them all. But I was hoping the Hockey Hall of Fame would help me.

JAY

It’s odd you finally decided to explain that to me, after that long trip to get here.

A ticket person in a window, opens their window, JOBIN, male, 30s, average, and greets them.

JOBIN

Hello there, and welcome to the Hockey Hall of Fame! We’ve got all kinds of excitement and tickets!

(beat)

Well, just one kind of ticket, actually. The entry ticket.

 (beat)

But they put us through these intense energetic greeting classes.

EVAN

Two entry tickets, please. Extra excitement.

JOBIN

Coming right up!

As he gets to work, Evan hears an odd shuffling nearby. Tilting his head slightly, to investigate, he notices the legs of a person scrambling down an open manhole until they’re gone.

EVAN

Dude! Did you see that?

JAY

I once saw an entire tour group hurl from street food poisoning, so I try to keep my eyes straight from now on.

EVAN

What? There’s so much I don’t know about you? Never mind. Follow me.

Evan leads a confused Jay toward the open manhole. Evan climbs inside and down a ladder, followed by Jay until they both stand on an underground railing over looking a busy workplace. 

INT. SEWER WORLD - NHL HEADQUARTERS

From Evan and Jay’s vantage point, they see a sewer-turned-into-office world, where short, mutant-face-like people are dressed in business suits working around desks and computers like a normal top-floor office. 

View screens of NHL Hockey are displayed, and the entire office is decorated with NHL memorabilia.

EVAN

Holy crap! The NHL is being managed by underground race of goblins!

END OF ACT ONE

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