Episode 3: Beer Mechanics
ACT THREE
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY
Later, JAY meets with JULIE, PENICHI and NATE in the library.
JAYDamn! How could I forget one of the most obvious and well-documented Canadian failings of all time--- the cloning of your self from drinking a specific set of beers??JULIEExactly right. For years, Canadian beer companies have been secretly genetically modifying beer using genes from single celled organisms, ensuring the perfect blend.PENICHIUnfortunately, each beer has a different, altered genetic structure, and like a jigsaw puzzle, the correct mix of each company’s drink completes the organism “schematics”, if you will, thus momentarily infusing you with its power-- In all cases, the ability to duplicate yourself.JAYThat explains why my toothbrush was two centimeters to the left this morning.NATEWhen do we do our weed episode? That’s going to be a good one.JULIEForget that. We’ve discovered the cause of the situation, and now we need to focus on stopping the Jay clones before they ruin Jay’s academic life any further-- and we have to do it by any means necessary.JAYHey now. Clones are people too.JULIEWell, it sounds like we need to have an old school sci-fi debate on what constitutes life. --Mr. Penichi, can you get us access to the Gym with some tables and chairs?PENICHI(confused)
I’m a teacher?
Suddenly, another Jay enters (JAY #1).
JAY #1What is going on here? I just came in here to return this NOW Magazine, which I now realize I could have just thrown into a pit.
JAY #1 suddenly notices his duplicate.
JAY #1Who is that?? Am I dead??JAYNo, you’re a clone. I’m the original.JAY #1Is this because I drank that beer combo? How could I forget one of the most obvious and well-documented Canadian failings-- definitely including Mike Bullard-- of all time??
Suddenly, two more Jay’s enter the library (JAY #2 and JAY #3). They stop in shock when they see what’s going on.
JAY #2Dammit! Clones.JAY #3(to Jay #2)You’ve been walking beside me for the past twenty-two minutes.JAY #2(defensively)I thought I was hallucinating for the total run time of that CBC news program.
Another two Jay’s enter: JAY #4 and JAY #5.
Julie turns to Jay and Nate.
JULIEWhat do we do??NATEI’ve got it! We deploy the above library-wide net containing the drop-balloons that are released whenever someone borrows Dan Aykroyd’s ghost book.JULIEIs Canada still trying to push that on people?NATEObviously. What other publications do we have?
Nate attempts to borrow the book, but the net mechanism gets caught on itself, unable to release.
Just then, even more Jay’s enter the library and stop in shock.
JAYWait. Could I be a clone too?(turns to the others)Who’s the original??JAY #2Dude, could you be any more racist?
After a moment of hesitation and confusion:
All the Jay’s jump and expertly back-flip in various ninja-like ways out of the library.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD
Evan, cold, wearing a coat and scarf, has already set up several outdoor heaters, spread out around the yard. A few students are standing with him, watching. Len is also standing with him.
LENUh, is any of this legal?EVANIt better not be. The law-- which, in this case, I’m using as a metaphor for the Earth’s commanding weather patterns-- has done nothing but rule us with an iron first.
He operates a DJ mixing control deck, tied into all the heaters. The heaters are activated and start emanating heat.
EVANAs such, I believe it is up to us to make a difference-- also, don’t you get the shivers? I totally get the shivers.LENEvan, I must insist you stop this unauthorized siphoning of school electricity at once.EVANPfft. No offense, but, you may be smarter than me, more accomplished and highly sought after by the opposite sex, but--- wait. Where was I going with this?
Suddenly, a few of mini tornadoes form and start terrorizing certain areas of the yard.
LENEvan, there’s one more thing I neglected to mention: You see, in fact, I do believe in the weather and that we should let the globally-warming Earth do what it must. Like the law, man cannot control what is bigger than his-self.EVANBlasphemy! We are gods!
He tackles Len to the ground and the two start fighting.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Julie, Nate and Penichi and convene over recent events.
JULIEWe need to find the real Jay before it’s too late!NATEThat... seems like a lot of work. Why don’t we just find a spot where we can watch the whole thing from the sidelines?PENICHIIn anticipation of the mass-Jay-exodus, I had Mr. Lambert agree to a History re-test for Jay.
They turn to the door to the History room, which is closed. A sign says: “Closed for sweat-removal.”
A hand-written note below that says: “Jay, let’s have the test outside today, where it is unseasonably warm! - Mr. Lambert”
JULIAThat’s a recipe for disaster. We have to warn him!NATEWhy can’t you just stick to one goal? You’re.... You’re all over the place and it’s confusing.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD
A lone student, JAKE, blonde, happy, steps outside to find the weather warm and sunny. He looks down to see a flower growing fast out of the grass.
He bends down, picks it out and admires it, when suddenly a mini-tornado swoops in and takes him out.
Then-- Julie, Nate, and Penichi run out and quickly look around for any signs of the Jay’s or Lambert.
NATESweetie, that’s exactly why they’ve been losing this season: no one’s in the outfield.
Suddenly, Penichi, looking outward, drops his jaw in shock and horror. Julie and Nate notice him and look over at him, confused.
Julie and Nate turn to look in the direction he’s looking, and see Jay’s emerging from out of the woodwork-- Jay’s stepping out of bushes, hoping over fences, turning out of corners, coming out of trash-bins, etc.
Julie points to the middle of the field, where Lambert is.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD - WITH LAMBERT
Lambert is lighting a cigarette, next to a lone school desk with the test paper and a pencil sitting on it.
LAMBERTAhh, smoking: The silent killer.(4th wall break)No good can come from smoking. It literally kills 37 thousand people a year in Canada.(beat)Ahh, mass-murder.
Suddenly, he begins to notice that he is slowly being approached by Jay’s in all directions. He then drops his cigarette in shock.
LAMBERTMy God... There are so many Jay’s..... so many Jay’s!
The Jay’s begin to talk over each other.
He clutches his head in pure madness.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD - WITH EVAN AND LEN
Julie, Nate and Penichi run over to the continuing-to-fight-Evan and Len.
Len expertly knocks Evan back.
JULIEEvan! What are you doing? The cold air is descending into warm air rising, causing mini-tornadoes, two of which are heading straight for the Jay clones!EVANWithin a fraction of the environment? First of all, I can’t even begin to tell you what’s wrong with the science of that-- Not to mention, there just isn’t enough moisture.
He takes out an old style hygrometer and checks it.
He goes over to the DJ deck and tries to adjust the heaters. Julie, Len, Penichi and Nate watch him work.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD
The tornadoes descent onto the Jay’s and the continuing-to-scream-Lambert. They all take a stance, or hold on to someone else, to keep their footing, enduring harsh winds for a few moments.
As soon as the tornadoes dissipate, and the environment returns to calm, Lambert stands up straight and dusts himself off.
Lambert leaves.
Evan, Len, Nate and Penichi walk over to all the Jay’s.
JULIEAll of you are going to need birth certificates.LENF.Y.I..... You can only get them from Rick Moranis.JAY #1So we’re all clones, huh? This is great. We can all start our lives over again: fresh and new.JAY #2No kidding. And after seeing the academic good we can do, for, not only us, but others as well, I think it’s time we dispersed to other, nearby schools.NATEYou’re going to have to. Just being near each other causes a quantum polarization which makes you trash art departments.JAYWhat the hell? So “black people can’t get along?” That is insanely racist!NATEWhat do you want from me? What do you want???JAYAnyway, I need to leave for a while and figure things out. Maybe, in the end, it doesn’t matter who the original is?JAY #3We can’t all go, can we? Who’s going to be the Jay at this school?JAY #14I’ll stay. I’m the fourteenth clone, if anyone’s been counting.EVANYou seem like more of an 8.
All the other Jay’s walk away, except for JAY #14.
EVANHi, I’m Evan.JAY #14Yeah, I know, dude. I retain all the memories of the original Jay, and, as a clone, consider myself the original.EVANAnd that’s not racist?(beat)Anyway, on to me-- My lesson is that I have to try harder to destroy this hemisphere’s cold weather.JULIE
Don’t you mean, you have to accept the harsh bite of winter’s frost as a trademark Canadian characteristic?EVANWhat? No, I’m pretty sure I learned that I have to take even more drastic measures. And if people die along the way, well, that’s just what I’ll have to do.JULIEThe more important lesson here is: Substance abuse is bad and can lead to clones-- Which, by their very nature, are identical enough to be the original.JAY #14Should we tell the Americans?EVANAnd risk revealing our location? No, I think we’re good.
THE END