Episode 3: Beer Mechanics
ACT TWO
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA
Evan, Julie, Nate and Penichi sit at the table, the next day. All of them are hung over.
EVANUggh. Never. Again.JULIEYeah, last night was brutal. I regret everything.EVANI regret having the option to regret everything, which was brought upon by the under-aged drinking.PENICHIUggghh. My head....JULIEMr. Penichi? But you weren’t at the party?PENICHI(confused)Party?NATESo, this is what I had: Two shots of rum, fifteen beers, a scotch without the rocks, four shirley temples--EVANWhat are you doing?NATEI’m post-party bragging about what I drank. It’s the whole point of the whole affair!EVANBut we established that we hated it.NATEHon, after ear-shoting six vodkas, I’d be more than lucky to hear throwaway exposition.JULIEWhat happened to Jay?EVANHe was the most wasted of us all-- so much so, that he’s still in bed. I meant to have his parents double check for vital signs. Maybe I’ll call them, later. Maybe.
And then suddenly, Evan feels a grumbling in his tummy.
EVANOh.... God..... I have to.... throw up some more.
He gets up, but stops at Nate’s warning.
NATEWait! Those Bengal tigers living in the boy’s washroom are having their son’s Bar Mitzvah!
Evan runs to OFF SCREEN.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - FRONT STEPS
Evan runs out to the garden bushes, but before he can go, he suddenly realizes he doesn’t need to anymore.
EVANHuh. I guess just addressing it was more than enough.(beat)Kind of like real world issues.
Reveal: LINDA, student, blonde, tall, skinny, standing nearby, smoking.
Suddenly, a giant gust of cold, cold wind engulfs the two of them, freezing them in place.
Evan breaks his head out of the ice (the rest of his body, still frozen and encased in ice).
EVANDammit, I hate the cold! It’s time to take action. We need to take this to the top!
LINDA breaks her head out of her own ice-incapsulation.
He breaks out of the rest of his ice-casing, and is about to walk away when he takes a final notice of Linda.LINDAHey, are you, like, one of those Alberta Sheriffs?EVANUh. Do you think I’d not wear one of those hats? No.
Evan takes the cigarette out of her hand and places it in her mouth.
After he leaves, Lambert exits the front entrance and joins her. He lights his own cigarette and acknowledges her with a nod.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - COUNCIL ENTRANCE
Evan approaches an elaborate, giant ancient-looking door, with the markings of a lost civilization on it, and a giant door knocker.
He looks left and right before knocking it a few times.
HARKENS, a short man with dwarfism, late 30s, deep voice, steps out and emerges from the shadows, on the right.
HARKENSStop thy approach. Who goes hense-forth?EVANUh, Evan, sir.(beat)Wait. Aren’t you the Curriculum Director?
HARKENSYes, I am. But clearly, the curriculum has been completed and everyone is taking part in it this very second.(sighs)So this is what I like to do in my spare time.
Awkward, Evan continues through the doors.
FOLLOW TO:
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - COUNCIL CHAMBERS
Evan enters the dark chambers, where a centre area is lit by a sole spotlight. Evan takes position and looks around curiously.
Harkens follows behind and takes a position on the side, out of the way.
Then: Several spotlights emit over student council members, hinting at a large circular table, surrounding Evan.
Student council members: LISA, JANICE, KEN, PAUL, TABITHA: all students. Their voices have been augmented to sound ominous.
JANICEEvan Bertram. We have received your application for support in curbing the cold. We must decline your request.EVAN(loud)Dear Student Council. I know you are hesitant to help a lowly out-group such as myself. But weather affects everyone and global warming changes to the environment are causing more extremes than nought.
Harkens looks on at the council, in shared genuine hope for Evan’s long term goals.
KENYour arguments are futile. We just don’t feel like getting out of these chairs.EVANI thought you might say that, so I took the liberty of borrowing the janitor’s key.
He takes out a key and walks over to a nearby window. He unlocks the mechanism on it and opens the window. A large gust of cold air wafts through, shivering the council.
All the students on the council begin speaking all at once, in utter shock and disapproval.
Janice slams a gavel on the table to get their attention.
JANICEEvan, what you have shown us here today is a grave and dreadful vision of icey horror. We would not even wish that on the worst Debate Team.(hesitant)I think the council would agree, that something must be done.EVAN
Yes! Thank you.JANICEAs upon your request, the portable heaters will be delivered to you to do as you wish.(beat)Let’s hope we can all make a difference, for the better.(beat)And may God have mercy on our souls.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CPR CLASS
The teacher puts in a DVD, and an educational video starts playing.
FREDClass, our very own CPR training video DVD has been mistaken as car decor by a local Rastafarian, so we found this other video for Canadian Tire employees in my truck’s recently changed wheel well.
He plays it and gets out of the way.
CPR NARRATOR (V.O.)Welcome to the wonderful world of CPR. Now, you may be asking yourself, what’s the point of CPR? If nature wants someone dead, why don’t we let natural selection take its course?(beat)Well, that’s not good for business! We need to exploit as many people as we can, silly! Heh, heh!
On the TV: A young child, TIMMY, 6 years old, brown hair, walks in.
TIMMYBut isn’t CPR just an excuse to make out with a stranger?CPR NARRATOR (V.O.)Heh! Heh! It sure is, Timmy.... It sure is.
Suddenly, LEN bursts in and the lights go up. A-la, a cop: He aims a clipboard and pen.
LENEveryone, freeze! This is a clear violation of the law in that you are showing a video to a large group of people at once!FREDOhh. Are you doing the thing for Penichi? --Dammit. I didn’t even think of outsourcing.
He then turns to his class.
FREDLet that be a lesson to you, kids: If you don’t like CPR, outsource to your nearest Asian.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA
The next day, a hung-over Jay joins Evan, Julie and Penichi at the table.
JAY...And then, the puke started bubbling this one giant bubble, and--
Lambert interrupts and hands Jay a piece of paper, marked with an “F” on it.
LAMBERTSorry to interrupt, but, Jay, your execution on this History test yesterday was horrible. Under “What happened during the Battle of the Plains?” You wrote: “De-Frenchinization.”
Lambert then looks further down the page.
LAMBERTAnd under “Who was the first Prime Minister?”, you wrote: “A racist tyrant-Nazi.”JAYWhat? That’s impossible! I may think those things, but I would never write them. Also, I wasn’t even at school yesterday??LAMBERTLook, the real reason I came down here was because I had a craving for that wonderful pastry, Beavertails.(looks around, confused)I must’ve dreamed they opened up a shop here. Well, that’s disappointing.
As Lambert walks away, but another teacher, Sammy, enters frame.
SAMMYJay! Your presentation on Shakespeare’s Hamlet was horribly violent and inarticulate-- much like the play itself, but the in-play events you were describing were from Cats.JAYI’ll admit, I’m not much of a fan of Cats, and talking about it for too long makes me understandably homicidal.
Evan nods in agreement to this.
JAYBut, I assure you, Mr. Sammy, I wasn’t at school yesterday??SAMMY(still looking around)Seriously. No Beavertails? What’s the point in even coming in to work then?
Sammy walks off, confused. Jay turns to the group.
JAYWhat the hell? Was I actually so drunk that it carried over to the next day and I attended all my classes?EVANHell yeah, you did!
He offers up his hand for a high five-- to which Jay just looks at, blankly. Penichi holds his usual short glass of scotch.
PENICHII’m no expert in drinkyoitics, but drunk people can pretty much do anything when hazily motivated--(beat)Off-topic: Is this last year right now?
Suddenly, Nate approaches the table.
NATEOh there you are, Jay. You mind explaining to me why you’re trashing the Art Department right now? I’m not against it, I’m just curious so I can join in.(beat)Wait. If you’re here. Then, who is....(beat)Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me??JULIEWhat is it, Nate?NATEJay, do you remember which drinks you mixed together the other night?JAYYeah. The amounts varied, but it was something along the lines of a sip of Carling, two Keiths, half of Pilsner and one full on Blue.
Both Julie and Penichi suddenly go wide-eyed in awareness of the situation.
JULIEJay, you didn’t??PENICHIObvious mistake.JAYWhat? For the love of God, whhhhaattt??NATEOh, Jay. This we’d expect from Evan. But you? You’re one of the good ones?(beat)This way please.
Jay gets up to follow Nate.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - ART ROOM
Jay and Nate enter to find duplicate Jay’s (i.e., JAY1, JAY2, JAY3), trashing a bunch of student paintings out of anger.
NATEEveryone knows that that combination of Canadian beers you brewed, Carling, Keiths, Pilsner and Blue, causes the most debilitating, horrifying side effect known to man-- Your clones!
END OF ACT TWO