Episode 2: Syrupedia
ACT ONE
EXT./ESTAB. SCHOOL - DAY
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - SMART TABLE- SAME
EVAN takes a seat at a table with the smart group: JAY, JULIE, LEN and NATE. They are eating breakfast, everyone has cereal except Evan who carries a plate of pancakes and a bottle of syrup.
EVANAlright, team. So what’s the big intellectual obstacle for today? Math basketball? Geography-Russian roulette? History-hunt to the death?JAYWe aren’t always trying to test ourselves. We’re normal people who lead normal lives, who are pretty much next to done in proving cosmic string theory.EVANDude, sewing is sooooo lame.Evan picks up the syrup bottle and tries to squeeze syrup into his pancakes, only to get air.EVANDammit! I’m out of syrup.
EVAN (CONT'D)They’re out of refills too. Which, as an over-stuffed consumer, means I’m going to have to complain. What’s the preferred decibel level?JULIEShhh! No one talks about those sweet-love-bottles even when they aren’t empty.JAYUh, yeah, bro. Let’s just pretend you never brought up that liquid gold and move on.EVANWhat? I can’t have dry pancakes! That’s madness. According to the Canadian Association for Food Studies, pancakes can’t be eaten without syrup-- I mean, butter tries, but it just doesn’t get it. It’s like that one cousin that won’t stop asking you when Sum 41’s coming back.LENFirst of all-- ew. Second-- Sorry man; it’s just the way things are. The syrup arrives when it arrives. If it’s out, no one asks any questions.JULIEAnyway, I’m off to use the restroom. I usually have to time it so I don’t end up being in there during the valley girl make-up rush.(beat)It’s the 21st century-- where are these valley girl’s coming from? A time travel phone booth?
She gets up and leaves.
EVANShe’s interesting. Does anyone else find her interesting?
Everyone just continues eating, no one actually hearing him.
EVANRight? Len? Jay? Serpent dude?NATE(upset)It’s Nate! I never had a mother so I had to name myself!
Nate buries his face with his hands and starts crying. Len pats him on the back in an effort to comfort.
Evan’s focus is distracted as PENICHI walks by with a tray of breakfast and sits at a lone table.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - LONE TABLE - SAME
PENICHI(sits)Ahhh, breakfast: The least important meal of the day.
PENICHI, early 40’s, dishevelled clothing, has cereal and (as always) a glass of scotch.
[Note: The scotch is a character continuity, usually gone without care by other characters]
Suddenly, other teachers, FRED, LAMBERT, SAMMY, all in early 40’s, all sit down with him, drinking coffee.
FREDPenichi! You sly son of a bitch. How dare you ignore us by never being in the teacher’s lounge.PENICHIThere’s a Slip’N’Slide blocking the entrance.SAMMYQuestion: You ever drink a keg of beer, upside down, over a hot chick, while grading term papers?PENICHI(confused)What?(beat)Is this about your partying? Partying sounds exhausting and unnecessary. And who pays for it all? Is there a rich guy who supports gimmicky activities?FREDOh, you mean, Doctor Rubens. Yes; yes; a thousand times Yes.LAMBERTPenichi. You come out with us tonight and we promise you’ll get along with us and-- to boot-- you’ll have a great time!SAMMYYeah! The more, the merrier! The merrier, the more enabling!FRED(immediately)That wasn’t a “No” in the time we didn’t give you to respond! We’ll see you there! Check your teacher’s locker for a yellow sticky note with your eVite!
The three get up and leave.
LAMBERT(as leaving)I’m gonna get so intoxicated, throw up, and then get even more intoxicated! YEAH! THE CYCLE IS COMPLETE!
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME DAY
Evan, Jay and Len walk down a corridor, between classes.
Yeah, I should really get my own stories.
Evan stops walking, prompting the Len and Jay to as well.
EVAN(looking far off)What the hell? Since when do people have in-school fights anymore? Seems like an 80’s thing. Because of the jean jackets, I mean.
Len and Jay look to two men in the distance, fighting each other; both, of which, are firing science fiction-like energy blasts from their palms.
MATARI, angry, fires an energy blast at Duane, who ducks it, allowing the locker behind him to be hit. A piece of the locker door blows off and hits MATARI.
Weak, and groaning in pain, MATARI runs off.
EVANHey man, do you have jean jackets? Do they still make those?DUANE(in pain)Pretend you saw nothing.
He runs away, giving them no explanation.
LENRude of him to change the subject so suddenly-- almost jilting.JAYThis is another example of a thing, or, in this case, a national thing, we should not talk about.EVANWait. What? Shooting energy beams is Canadian?JAYAs far as I know, people have been doing it since the country was founded. That’s the extent of my knowledge.EVAN--How is that...? --I’m just....?(beat)You know, one day we’re going to have to acknowledge the strange goings on’s of this country and not hide them in shame.LENActually, burying our Canadian shames is a pastime that’s been handed down to us from generation to generation.(dreamily)It all started with a drink and William Lyon MacKenzie.EVANThat guy again?? Never mind. I’ll go tell one of the elders.
Evan walks away.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - STAIRCASE - SAME DAY
EVAN catches PENICHI standing on the grand six-stair-staircase leading from an open hallway to the cafeteria below. Penichi is holding his glass (as before).
EVANHey, Mister! There are things happening and such. (BEAT) Sorry I couldn’t be more specific.PENICHISave it for the judge, kid. Teachers and students don’t get involved until trial dates.EVANSeems reasonable. By the way, why were those other teachers chugging Montreal steak spice on their way out of the cafeteria?PENICHISomething about reaching maximum spice potential. The worst part is, I was invited by them to what some would call: a “par-tay”, tonight.EVANI suppose you could not go, but, as Helen Keller once mouthed, “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.”PENICHIWhy are people always quoting her??EVANHm. How about if I ask you for personal advice? (BEAT) I think I like this girl. But I’m not sure. What do I do? Where do I go? What am I?PENICHIYou do realize your high school problems appear trivial and cliche to out-groups? Anyway, my advice is to just go out on a date.EVANBut wouldn’t I have to pre-requisite that with asking out the so-far indifferent party?PENICHIThat’s important, yes. Do not just show up to a motel and tie yourself to a bed of walnuts without notifying her. Next thing you know, a chipmunk crawls in through the crack in the window and--- It becomes.... Well, it becomes a mess.EVANThat’s sound advice, sir! I’m on the path to success!PENICHIWhat?
Evan holds his thumb up to the camera. Titling splashes on screen: “Cartier’s Scurvy High School: The Rocky Path to the Future-- Today!”
NARRATOR (V.O.)At Cartier’s Scurvy High School, you’re always on the path to success. Sign up now-- even if you’re in college, or already done school. It doesn’t hurt to go back. Try it! You just might have the time of your life! I’m totally serious right now! If only you could see my face!
INT. CLASS ROOM - DAY
An older man sits in class, suddenly realizing what he’s done.
EXT. HOUSE PARTY - BACKYARD - NIGHT
Everyone around is having fun and drinking (a-la college party), and Penichi is standing there uncomfortably. Another teacher, CINDY, late-30’s, attractive, is also standing there, next to him, uncomfortably.
PENICHI(notices)Oh, hello. Were you dragged to this quote-unquote “gathering” as well?CINDYYeah, I just can’t understand how I got invited to this-- not to mention what compelled me to follow through.(beat)OH GOD NO. We’re falling into the party conversation cliche! This can’t happen! Not if our civilization is to survive!
She throws her drink in Penichi’s face and jumps over a nearby fence, screaming in horror.
Sammy runs in holding a giant keg of beer over his head. He is clearly drunk and over-excited (a-la college party).
SAMMYYEAH BITCHES! YEEEEAAAHH!PENICHIWell, aren’t you happy.SAMMYTHIS YELLING IS A MEDICAL CONDITION!
Suddenly, the keg becomes too heavy and crushes Sammy underneath. Penichi watches in shock.
Doctor RUBENS, mid-60s, glammed up with rich jewelry, walks in to appraise the situation. He’s holding a drink and he offers a thumbs-up with the other hand.
RUBENS(a-la “Samuel Adams,” to camera)I’m Doctor Rubens, and I approve of these events.
EXT. /ESTAB. SCHOOL - DAY
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Evan is walking down the empty hallways, in haste. He holds a plate of pancakes, but the isolation and echoes of footsteps around start to haunt him. His eyes subtly look left to right in fear.
Suddenly, there’s a science-fiction-like energy explosion around the corner, and Duane is sent into a locker, knocked unconscious. Evan runs over and Jay also runs over, from another area.
EVANDude! It’s that guy from before! Should we call someone?
Jay takes out his cell phone and begins tapping at it.
JAYI’ll tweet the Mounties.EVANTweet them that he’s unconscious.(panic)Tweet them now!JAY(panic)I’m tweeting as fast as I can!
As Jay is busy tapping at his phone, Evan notices a dark-brown liquid coming from Duane’s satchel. Evan scoops some of the liquid up with his finger and tastes it.
EVANIt’s... syrup? This guy was transporting syrup like some kind of drug-dealer?JAYI knew I recognized him. He’s the syrup delivery guy who comes in mysteriously and leaves without a trace. They say the wolf-like howls at night are his lonely cries for his long lost lover-- who died in the Great Canadian Syrup Fire of yester-yore.EVANDamn that flammable gold!
He licks more out of hunger and is suddenly taken aback by a mysterious force. He drops his plate of pancakes as he is sent to the floor.
JAYEvan! Are you alright?EVAN(confused)I... don’t know? I think I feel incredible... like Jim Carrey after looking at himself in the mirror. It’s like the power of a million syrup trees are coursing through my veins!JAYYeah, so you’re alright then.(beat)Welp, I’ll see you at breakfast.
He walks away, feeling much better for checking in on his friend.
Meanwhile, Evan stares ominously at his hands (a-la someone realizing they have super-powers).
Suddenly, two mounties burst in with their fingers over closed cans of beer, aimed outward as they search for danger.
MOUNTIE #1We just got your tweet, eh! Where are the bank robbers?MOUNTIE #2Yeah, these beers have been shooken up pretty good, eh!EVANThere are no bank robbers. This is a school.MOUNTIE #1Carry on then.
They both back out of frame, awkwardly and carefully.
END OF ACT ONE