Episode 1: Serpentpedia
ACT THREE
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - FRONT YARD, NEAR ENTRANCE - DAY
The next day, Evan takes out his smart phone and brings up Siri.
He puts his smart phone away as he goes into the pay phone booth and dials.
EVANMom. Something weird’s been going on at school. Someone’s been diluting all the peer groups in, what I can only describe as, a deliberate attempt against student cliques.SAMANTHA (V.O.)Hmm. It sounds to me like the Liberals. You may need, nay, will definitely have to, resort to pie throwing. Go to the nearest pie shop and buy ten banana creams.EVANHoly crap. If these suspicions are correct, then what else am I right about? Is the overweight bus driver really Jesus?SAMANTHA (V.O.)Definitely.(beat)Oh, hell! It looks like my intern came in with that stupid haircut again. You know, that messy style from the early 2000s? Who does that anymore? New-aged hippies? As you can see, I have a situation here.
She hangs up.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
A single student, GREG, student, nerd, is walking down an empty and echo-y hallway. The isolation begins to creep into his consciousness.
Something runs past, behind him. He stops and fearfully turns his head back to look, but sees nothing. Faint and creepy sounds of children’s laughter echo in the background.
Something runs past, in front of him; he turns his head forward quickly, but doesn’t catch it. He continues walking in fear.
GREG(to self)I am a tree. Blowing in the wind. Blowing. Blowing. Blowwwinggg.
With Close Ups: Suddenly, a hand (Evan) pours a vile of ammonia into a cloth. From behind GREG, the hands wrap the cloth around his nose and mouth, knocking him unconscious.
FADE OUT
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD - BEHIND A LARGE TREE
FADE IN
GREG wakes up to find himself tied to a tree, with EVAN standing over him.
GREGUgh. No! The nerd group isn’t into nerd things anymore!
(beat)
You’re too late in trying to join us under those parameters!EVAN(holds pie)You know what this is? It’s a President’s Choice No Name banana cream pie, which I bought for 30% less the price of your typical commercial brand.
Evan holds the pie closer to Greg as he trembles in fear.
GREG(advertising)Clearly you scored points you your purchase, which anyone can apply for anytime--
Nate approaches, casual and bored while sipping a can of pop.
NATEHey, Evan. What you up to?(beat)Threatening people, huh? Ah, the great American pastime.(beat)You know, I always thought you were more of a passive-aggressive journal-entry kind of guy.GREGWhat the hell!? It’s him! He’s the one who convinced us to be Glee Club!EVANHuh? But he’s just a figment? A situation that, I assure you, will soon be met with my therapist.(to Nate)You can make next Tuesday at 5, right?NATEI said, yes already!GREGDammit. He’s not imaginary. He’s real. He’s a real lake serpent that’s going to this school!
Suddenly, a mob of upset people holding pitch-forks and flames approach, with Wally and Marta leading the pack.
WALLYHi, we’re looking for Nate? Is one of you a lake serpent, or moist lizard of some kind?
Still tied up, Greg confusingly raises what he can of his hand but Evan slaps it down in anger.
NATEThat would be me. Are you the Mariachi band I ordered last night? I was drinking, just so you know. Your company needs to filter drunk dials. It’s not my responsibility and don’t even try to tell me otherwise. An argument with me always leads to the bedroom.MARTAWe’re with the Department of Canadian Heritage and are here to deport you back to the west coast.EVANWait! What the hell? You’re real? I confided-in all my most private dreams and feelings with you??NATEI tried telling you back at the café. It’s like you lack listening skills. But don’t worry. That’s not your fault. It’s this damn Canadian Catholic school system.EVANBut, then, why’d you dilute all the peer groups in what I can only assume as an attempt to un-cliché mid-pubescent society? Something Much Music has been trying to do, diligently, for years.NATETo get back at the world because it refuses to acknowledge me! You ever have someone completely dismiss you, Evan? It doesn’t feel good. It makes you feel like crap.
(beat)
Also, I may have left a little of that feeling in a lot of people’s lockers.WALLYWell, this has been an a-typical high school-awkward scenario, but this lake creature has culturally sensitive origins from out west, which, by his being here, is offensive to those that care. Henseforth, and thus-hense, we are deporting him via a long range of shoves and various hick-like expressions of “git! Go, on, git!”MARTAJust to be clear, it’s not a serpent thing.
(loud whisper to Evan)
But it kind of iiiiiiiiisss!NATEWell, I knew this day would come. Alright, should we start with the strip search?
Nate starts to unbutton his shirt but is interrupted by Evan.
EVANWait! I refuse to sit idly by and let you segregate this horribly ugly talking thing.
Wally and Marta pull out two ulu’s, each, for each hand, and take classic “Power Ranger” pre-fight poses.
MARTAAnd who’s going to stop us? You? We’re highly trained in the secret Inuit art of ulu!EVANThat’s not a thing? Those are for cutting hair and skinning animals--
Wally jumps at Evan to attack and Evan, surprisingly, pulls out his own.
Wally and Evan clash ulu’s. Clash after clash, after clash. Then Marta comes in with a foot sweep, to which Evan jumps to avoid. He then fights both Wally and Marta at once, switching back and forth between the two.
Some of the peer group students approach, including Sally, Alexis and Martin, taking position near Nate, to see what all the commotion is about.
SALLYI don’t hate this as much as I hate the idea of hating this to fulfill my hate-needs.NATEYeah, you guys can go back to being whatever you were before; two-dimensional and whatnot. But flesh yourselves out a bit. You know, put yourselves out there.
Evan stops to address Nate; Marta and Wally stop, as well, as a result.
EVANAnd then delve into similar sociopathic behaviour? Of course! I should have known. You’re an ex-con! I figured it out from your misplaced “world experience” attitude.NATEBut that could have been anything? I could’ve just gotten back from India, where I stayed at the resort the whole time.EVANOh, please. Your teeth would at least be missing.(to Marth and Wally)Do you two really want to be seen treating an ex-con like some kind of criminal?MARTADammit. He’s right. Ex-cons are the diplomatic agents of the outside world-- the world that Governments only hear about through rumours.EVANNot to mention you and your anti-indigenous behaviour is perpetuating an exclusionary stereotype!NATEEvan, no! It’s the Canadian way!(to Marth and Wally)Question. Is Justin Trudeau still doing that after school program where he holds you for three hours?MARTA(scared)Our precious money!WALLYDammit. We still have a lot of railroads to build, which can’t afford those financial siphons. You stay here and work out your mental problems in front of your peers like a normal person.
Marta and Wally start walking away.
MARTA(to Wally)
Should we have just killed him? I feel like we should have just killed him.
Evan and Nate watch as Marta and Wally walk off into the sunset. Evan awkwardly notices Greg still tied up.
EVANSorry I almost pied you.GREG(cheerful)No problem. You fulfilled 35-percent of my mid-pubescent sexual fantasies!EVAN(impressed)
Whoa-ho! You’re messed up, aren’t you?(stern)Stop it. That’s unhealthy.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Later, Evan is walking and stops when he runs into Jay, Julie, Len and Nate.
Jay, Julie, and Len look tired and ruffled up.
Evan first notices Nate.
EVAN(scared)Ahh!? A lake serpent??NATEThanks for what you did back there. It’s been years since someone actually stood up for me. F-Y-I, it was against a homeless guy during a visit to Toronto in 1982. He thought I was sushi.EVANWell, you were basically being forced into isolation, where as I was just complaining about it. After all, isn’t that what this country is based on?NATEYeah, we don’t have to go all into that. For Godsakes, it’s 10 in the morning!(sips coffee)I did gather the group here for you. Like I said, they’re the ones who you should learn “aboot”.(beat)Classic word from the film Canadian Bacon. I was thinking movies could be my thing. Why not? Let’s jump the shark in the first episode.
Evan glances at Julie, Jay and Len and notices how roughed up they look.
EVANWhat the? What happened to you guys?JULIEWe failed the test because we stayed up all night studying. Who knew sleep was indicative to cognitive function?JAYNot to mention they lowered the thermostat one degree every minute just to make it that much harder.LENIs anyone else’s pee frozen? How do I even?EVANI have some thoughts about the other things. But I don’t want to take up your time. In fact, allow me to throw my coat over this rain puddle for you--
TRUCK OUT to see a rain puddle next to them, in the school corridors, and Evan, suddenly holding a coat, about to throw it over the puddle until stopped--
JAYWe’re headed to the cafe, actually, to do a post-mortem. Want to join?EVANBut the staring and the silent treatment?JULIEThat only happens during test time. You should know that by now.
Julie, Jay, Len start walking away.
EVANHuh. Good point. Last time I had a pop quiz, I bit half my desk off in pure adrenaline-powered intensity. I literally just kept chewing.
As they leave, they smile, passively at his comment, expecting to see him in the cafeteria. Nate follows the three. Evan stays to have a final thought with himself.
EVANAh, yes. And everything is right in Canada. Except who am I talking to? I feel like the Canadians that should know what just happened here are busy watching American television. Do they even know what country this is?(beat)No.(beat)No, but we’ll work on that.
THE END