Episode 1: Serpentpedia
ACT TWO
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - SAME
Evan is startled by what he’s sitting next to, as before.
EVANWhat are you??NATEOh, hi. I’m Nate. Yes, the sight of me confuses and scares everyone, but the reality is I’m a horrifying mythological lake serpent. I moved out here, from the west coast, to get an education and fit in with normal society and stuff.
EVANActually being a myth is the very definition of not-reality. It’s anti-real.(beat)Holy crap! I’m hallucinating you as a growth mechanism!
As a student, JOE, walks by, Nate turns his attention and:
NATE
(at Joe)
Aaaaah!!!
Joe similarly screams while falling to the floor:
JOE(confused)Aaaaah!?EVANAnd what a growth mechanism! It’s amazing the role our imaginations play on our senses. But seriously, though, that’s the last time I eat deer meat.NATESpeaking of conclusions, that group you were just sitting with was the group you were looking for.(turns)No offense, Jared.JAREDMe like toilets! And me hate toilets. Me is complicated.EVANThe smart group? Nah. They are a little out of my league. I like sitting on the couch and slowly eating a chip until it’s my finger-- That’s how I know to stop.NATEYou also have a knack for intellectual contemplation. --Just something I picked up from the first five seconds of meeting you.EVANWow! Wait. Are you quote-unquote judging my character?NATEWell, I did edit the psychology page on Wikipedia once. Also, look at these guys. No offense, Louis.LOUISMe rude to others so me is more deserving of that than you imagine.NATEAw, Louis, no. Now I feel bad.LOUISYou is ugly monster.NATEOh. Well, that fixes that.LOUISMe think everybody is poop-heads!NATEAlright, stop it. You’re like a very articulate Brendan Fraiser.EVANForget it, Nate. Despite your being a figment of my imagination, I’m going to have to defer to being realistic.NATEI’m not—(beat)You know what? Fine. The last advice I had was to Stephen Harper. I told him to stick with music.EVANThe only way to get through my teen-angst, non-vampire-related issues is to not give up and try out every group possible; like some kind of speed-dating thing, only I don’t plan on going home with any of the losers.NATEYou say that now, but wait till you get to your fourth one. You’ll laugh at any lame joke just to achieve any kind of success— even if it is falsified. Plus, the drinks don’t help much in the way of avoiding persuasion. Wow. I’m having hot-flashbacks all of a sudden. I’m going to need to sit down.(notices he's already sitting)Oh.
Confident with his plan, Evan absentmindedly gets up and walks away.
NATEWhere are you going? I thought we were talking about relationships?(sighs)I need a date.
EXT./ESTAB. SCHOOL - DAY
INT. CAFETERIA - BULLY GROUP TABLE - SAME
The next day, Evan approaches the group of football players at a table. He takes a seat with them.
EVAN(out of character)Yeah! What’s going on today? Maybe we punch a few nerds? Maybe we steal their lunch money? Let’s do this. LET’S DO THIS.PETENah, bruh. That is way too cliche. Where once we were the jocks, intent on bullying and intimidation, based on personal insecurities, we now are men who are all about a well balanced breakfast.EVANWell, that doesn’t measure up to my preconceived expectations. No skipping class? No pawning off homework?MARVENIf we don’t keep up with our studies, we’ll never get into the right college, and/or university.EVANYou’re the bully representation of this school! I registered an account on your website! I guess this means unsubscribing from your email blasts. But the extra clicks just to notify you. Ugh.
He gets up and walks off.
FOLLOW TO: THE COOL GROUP TABLE:
As he’s walking, he walks near the cool group. He then takes a seat with them.
EVANYou guys are all about what’s trendy, right?
(out of character)
Well, being trendy is sooooo this morning.STEVENormally we’d totally be all over that; but we’re no longer rating the level of trendy versus un-trendy.ALEXISWe just shoot the breeze now: weed-style-- Just the style unless you have weed.EVANDoesn’t being the cool group mean you have an image to keep up?STEVEMeh. Seems like a lot of work not worth doing. What’s the pay-off? More “cool”? Where does it end?ALEXISGood thing some “random” talked us out of it.EVANYou listened to an outside opinion? Pandered to an audience? You’re worse than Howie Mandell!(beat)Why’d I reference Howie Mandell? I went there, and it brought me nothing.
Evan gets up and walks away.
FOLLOW TO: GOTH GROUP TABLE:
Evan notices the Goth group and takes a seat with them.
EVANSorry to interrupt-- er, I mean, I’m not sorry about anything, any time.SALLY(dry)If you’re trying to join us, try never. We’re busy about to tone down our under-eye black eye shadow, slightly, by two shades of black.EVANUh, but the current shade of black is what defines you-- That, and a general dislike for everything, everywhere.
(beat)
Even bunnies?SALLYEspecially those rabid-hell-bound creatures from Hell.EVANIf they’re that horrible, then technically, you should actually like them.TAMATHAThat’s some damn good logic, Sally.SALLYShut up! You’re being shunned right now.EVANAlright. Here’s the deal. You tell me who you’ve been talking to, and I’ll burn all the bunnies I ever come across.
(reassuringly)
For Satan.SALLYTempting. But, just having a chance to appreciate that, if even for a moment, will distract us from our “blackenings”-- An attention differential we cannot afford.EVANFine. My second suggestion was going to be hamster-burnings.
He pulls a hamster from behind his back and starts petting it.
EVAN
Let’s go, Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae.
The hamster bites his hand and jumps off.
EVAN
Owe! Dammit, John! You call that introspective!?
INT. CAFETERIA - SMART GROUP TABLE
The smart group is still studying, with papers and books all over the table.
JULIEWe aren’t ready for this. We still haven’t even memorized any Kardinal Offishal songs.JAYIt’s weird they even have that on the test.
Evan approaches.
EVANHey smart-dudes. Still doing things and stuff?
(beat)
Yeah. Things are great. Mouth noises.LENNot really. I still haven’t worked out who invented butter tarts. Our lead is David Suzuki, but there’s just no way to really know without eating them all into near-extinction.JAY(eats one)On it!EVANAt least your issues are clerical. On my end, I’ve been finding all kinds of groups in various states of disarray. I just got back from the bowler hats, and they're all into fedoras now. Not that that's a bad thing.JULIEHey now. People can't stay the same forever. Just look at Bachman-Turner Overdrive. First, they had lots of hair, and now they have just a tiny bit below lots of hair.EVANTrue, but that’s nothing compared to the insanity of these clique-transformations. I just saw the book club using Tumblr.LENNice! We’re into that sort of thing now, too. Instead of science blogs, we’ve all re-subscribed ourselves to Nyan Cat blogs.JAYI’m not sure why we weren’t in the first place?EVANBy the-ongoing-failures-of-the-Toronto-Maple-Leafs! Not you too??LENAre you saying you’re against Nyan Cat? You better not be.EVANOf course not. Never. All I mean is that meme is, like, from 2011.JULIEActually, your description of years gone by connects to something else entirely. If our group wants to accomplish anything, we just have to do what kids our age used to and still do today.LENOpen tanning salons and slowly ween in addicts?JULIENo! --We’re going to have to stay up all night, studying. Dare I call it... an “all-nighter”?EVANAw snap! Like the aboriginal genocide that came before us, group modification strikes again!JAYSeems like a bit of a stretch, there.
They turn to see an Aboriginal man, STEALTH HORSE, mid-40s, dressed in native tribes clothing, who has seemingly been sitting with them at the table the whole time.
STEALTH HORSE
No, he’s right. It’s pretty damn close.
END OF ACT TWO