Canadiology 3A

Episode 3: Beer Mechanics

ACT ONE

EXT.ESTAB. SCHOOL - DAY

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - SMART TABLE- SAME

JAY, JULIE, and LEN are sitting at the table, working on homework.

LEN

So, who’s the smartest out of all three of us? The Asian guy, right?

JAY

Just offering that throws it out the window. 

JULIE

Who, then? You?
(beat)
You ate a poker chip the other day?

JAY

That was a dare. I was trying to give in to peer pressure, even though no one was pressuring me. Sufficed to say, I was forcing the high school experience.

JULIE

The burden falls to me. I’m on the honour roll, debate team and I consult with the Teacher’s Board of Directors for the Riddle Association of Canada.

Evan enters, shivering with his arms wrapped around himself.

EVAN

What the hell is going on out there? The temperature is nipplyer and jack frost is biting at my private areas.

JAY

It’s called “cold”, Evan. It’s cold outside.

EVAN

(confused)
In this country?
 (beat)
In Russia maybe... In Switzerland, definitely. But here? Impossible!

JAY

(working)
 I’d help with this pressing matter, but I’m really into this algebra right now.

EVAN

How can someone be “into” algebra? Not that it doesn’t have its charms. Polynomials, am I right?

JULIE

Do you even know what those are?

EVAN

Erotic cake?

JAY

Anyway, no. I’m trying to up my Student Honour Roll scores. I’ve noticed lately that they’ve been slipping, and a lack of consistency is not what I want to be known for in the greater Black Canadian community.

LEN

Who’s reporting on you anyway?

JAY

(uncertain)
There’s a guy.... that goes around and stuff...

CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA - SAME - OTHER END

CARL, late 30’s, black, stands near a group of Black Canadian students, who are chatting, all of which stop talking out of sudden awkward awareness of his presence.

Carl then writes a check mark on his clip board.

CARL

Mmm-hmm.

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HISTORY CLASS

Jay, Evan and Nate are sitting next to each other, paying attention to the teacher’s lecture.

LAMBERT

So, there I was, drunk, soooo drunk off my ass, when this stripper pops out of the keg! I’m like--- how’d she stay in there for three days?? And where’s the otter I ordered???

JAY

(raises hand)

Uh, sir. Aren’t you supposed to be teaching us History? Like, who actually won the War of 1812?

LAMBERT

Huh? Oh, I don’t know. Either the Americans or the Canadians. All I know is that the real losers were the white man.

Both Jay and Evan glance over at Nate for a reaction. Nate just shakes his head with an angry and stern glare of “No”.

EVAN

(to Jay)

Dude, some of us actually want to hear about Mr. Lambert’s weekend. Technically, it did happen in the past.

He turns to address the teacher, Lambert.

EVAN

Sorry, sir. Please continue. Something about bitches and hoes?

LAMBERT

Ah! Right. So there I was...

Lambert continues speaking while Evan, Jay and Nate have their own conversation.  LAMBERT (CONT'D) ...spitting my beer into the face of that stripper. My shock and awe the source of her drink-addled amusement. While beginning her dance, she gets a call from her quote-unquote “boss” who orders her to get back to the hideout right away. In seconds, my house-party is crashed by a group of brain-smashed drug dealers, firing off gun shots at everyone like there’s no tomorrow. Obviously a gang war in-progress. She manages to expertly dodge each bullet, and, like some kind of female James Bond, takes them all down using modern forms of krav maga and shaolin kung fu. An hour later, she’s cut off the flow of blood to the lead drug dealer’s head and has coaxed him out of all the information on their dealer-hideouts, selling patterns and drug forecasts. She arrests them all, and the whole east side of my neighbourhood is completely drug and crime free!

While Lambert starts talking, Nate leans over to Jay and Evan. NATE So, who’s going to the big keg party this weekend? They’ve literally ordered a keg so large, there’s a good chance they’ve actually ordered a giant capybara. Oh, I forgot to mention they were drunk. EVAN Are you nuts? We have to meet and discuss these things. Did you even get group approval? NATE What? JAY He’s-- he’s just trying a thing. (beat) Anyway, I think what Evan meant to say, was that we’re all under-age. And what you’re proposing is grossly illegal and unsafe.  NATE But alcohol is the staple of Canadian life! It’s been around since the Neolithic Stone Age, not to mention Ancient Mesopotamia and Babylon!  JAY Dude, how old are you exactly? EVAN Jay, wait. I think he’s got a point. Not to mention, teens always at least try one drink before the legal age. It’s not law-abiding, nor is it right, but it is rebellious, and we teens have a rebllion-quota to fill by age 18.

The three’s attention shifts back to Lambert, having no idea what he’s talking about.

LAMBERT (CONT'D)

...The stripper-cop and I played ping pong for the rest of the night. I really think we hit it off!

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA

PENICHI is sitting at a table, alone, until LEN takes a seat with him.

PENICHI

What the--? You’re not the random kid I usually talk to?

LEN

Sorry, Evan’s out parading the entrance with a sandwich board that says “Homework is slave labour”. Oh, the hilarity he gets into.

PENICHI

Well, he’s not wrong.

LEN

How can I help you today?

PENICHI

Wait. What?

(beat)

Never mind. It just so happens, I do need assistance. What I need help with is a kind of “policing”. You see, the students of all schools, in general, are in a constant state of breaking the law, whether that be in the physical, or the mental.

LEN

What law is there against thoughts?

PENICHI

Oh, it has to do with countering existing brainwash efforts. You’ll see it when it happens. --Anyway, the faculty wants me to crack down on kids who are acting in unlawful ways. Since I have no interest in such things, I need you to do it for me.

LEN

Seems odd you would delegate that to a student, the very same classification of person you’re meant to be working against?

PENICHI

I could spin some elaborate web about moles, infiltration tactics, or keeping enemies close, but the truth is my charming personality is all I need.

LEN

Consider it done, sir!

INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - FRONT ENTRANCE

Evan walks in from the cold, holding his arms, shivering. He stops at where Julie and Nate are standing.

Evan is wearing a new sandwich board, labelled: “Homework is murder. Fur is fine.”

EVAN

I can’t do this. It is just too cold out there. Too cold!

NATE

Wow. Thanks for interrupting. We were just having this nice conversation about how women almost always never talk about other women behind their backs. Almost always.

JULIE

(to Evan)

I hate to break this to you, but you’re a Canadian, and Canadian’s love the cold. Or at least they pretend to-- furthering a deep, piercing, psychological dagger of denial.

EVAN

Well, I’ve had quite enough of the hooligan-ry the weather has been having with us. It’s time we find a way around this!

NATE

Has anyone ever told you how obsessive you are? I mean, seriously, you are really obsessive.

 (beat)

 Oh, by the way, I’m staying up all night preparing a drink menu for tomorrow’s keg party. I’m probably skipping Canadian Idol: The Alanis Morrestte Edition.

(beat)

Yeah. Ironic of me, isn’t it?

INT. HOUSE PARTY - LIVING ROOM

The whole area is decked out elegantly and the group sits around a Victorian-style couch area and coffee table. JEEVES, late 50’s, balding, British, butler, in a suit, walks over and hands Evan, Jay, and Julie each a glass of keg-poured beer.

There are only a few other students, sparsely spread in the background, socializing with each other.

Classical music plays in the background. 

EVAN

Thank you, Jeeves, my good man.

JEEVES

Indubitably, Master Evan.

Jeeves then leaves to attend to other duties.

JULIE

Uh, is this how high school parties go?

EVAN

No, this is just some hyped up spectacle to take the unsophistication off under-aged drinking.

JAY

It’s also easing the cognizance of unlawful enterprise, if anyone is cognizant at all.

EVAN

Being aware of things defeats the purpose, according to NOW Magazine: the magazine that’s secretly a newspaper.

Jeeves places several different bottles of beer onto the table for them to sample.

JULIE

Perhaps breaking the law would be easier on our consciousnesses if we worked this out mathematically?

(beat)

Allow me to explain. So, beer, a drink of laughably low alcoholic levels by European standards, typically takes, at most, two beers per hour to get drunk-- depending on body weight, food consumption and tolerance. If we drink less that within the first time increment, we can ensure no compromising effects while maximizing taste comprehensiveness.

EVAN

I’ve got it! Tea spoons!

He takes three spoons out of his pockets.

EVAN

I carry a set around in case of soup emergencies.

JULIE

Those will do. As long as we agree-- our goal is trying them, and not getting drunk, while maintaining the parameters I just laid out, we’ll be morally exempt by our actions.

Suddenly Nate approaches.

NATE

Ah, I see Jeeves was kind enough to set up my drink menu.

(excited)

Ready to throw all morals out the window?

(beat)

Now, whether you’ve decided on moderate or heavy drinking, your selection-options don’t differ from the rest of us.

He gestures to the table, where several labelled bottles are. His tone changes to that of a cool, calm, "Classy Presenter".

NATE

(as "Presenter")

Let’s start with your Labatt Blue-- a refreshing lager, built for authenticity, well-balanced, fully mature with a slightly sweet taste for those daring enough to maintain true Canadian class but want a that mild sense of wonder and beauty. Drink this when you want to be inspired and in awe for no reason.

Next:

NATE (CONT'D)

Here we’ve got Molson Canadian--

(as "Normal")

they’re cashing in on the obvious with that name, but who’s to judge--

(as "Presenter")

...an historical concoction with flavour, clean and crisp as the cold, harsh air we breathe.

(as "Normal")

When you’re actually thirsty, drink this. I’m telling you, there’s more water in it than water. 

Next:

NATE (CONT'D)

(as "Presenter")

Then you’ve got your Carling-- a traditional lager with a delightful aroma using bittering hops; perfect barley malts produce a fine, snappy, refreshing drink.

(as "Normal")

It’s a man’s mans drink. One of mountain climbers with a slight feminine side they don’t show to others for fear of being judged.

(to the mountain climber)

Don’t be afraid, Mountian Climber. Just let it out. Let yourself be free.

EVAN

Uh, can we just start our illegal activities now?

NATE

Not yet! I’m not done. I stayed up all night preparing with a Marilyn Denis Show marathon playing in the background.

(beat)

Where’d she find it? The Fountain of Youth?

 (beat)

She’s magnificent.

Next:

NATE (CONT'D)

(as "Presenter")

Then you’ve got your Pilsner-- a distinct hop but overly bitter taste.

(as "Normal")

Drink this when you hate yourself.

Next:

NATE (CONT'D)

(as "Presenter")

Then we’ve got the king of beers; the ruler of them all: Alexander Keith’s Indian Pale Ale.

(as "Normal")

It’s so perfect, you might as well forget all the other beers we looked at. In fact, they’re all crap compared to this!

JAY

I heard that after three sips, all beer just tastes the same.

NATE

That’s true.

(beat)

Oh hell. Just go for it. It’s not like a couple tea spoons are going to waste you!

Each of them: Evan, Jay and Julie shrug and each pour a bit of the nearest bottle of beer into their tea spoons. They then each take a sip.

FLIP TRANSITION TO:

5 minutes later

The party is a tad bit louder and more active. Evan, Julie and Jay are completely wasted! 

NATE

Huh. Who knew teenagers had no restraint? There should really be a law against this.

END OF ACT ONE

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