Episode 2: Syrupology
ACT THREE
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - COURTYARD
Evan is doing burpees (push-ups to jumping-jacks) while Len and Jay watch out of boredom.
JAYWhat are you doing? Burpees? That is the worst non-burping exercise in conventional society.LENSecond only to squats, which furnishes no acquired property as one would expect.EVAN(stops)Hey. Wait. You’re right. This is a waste of western-culture time!
NATENot if you want to beat that Anti-Syrper at his own game-- You’re looking at one of the top Pro-Syrupers in all of North America. I won Champion Standing at last year’s Canadian Syrup-Tennis Open. Instead of a tennis ball or racket, we just shot energy beams at each other for five hours. I destroyed Daniel Nestor’s score in one of the toughest games of his life. Later that night we shared a cocktail and had laughs over how we almost killed each other. One thing led to another--EVAN
Stop! Your talking is hurting my ears, and I need those for listening to chill beats on YouTube. My question is, why didn’t you stop that Anti-Syruper when he attacked us in the hallway?NATEAfter I saw the kind of man I became-- angry, self-involved, syrup-obsessed-- I promised never to do it again, for any reason. But I see now that this is important-- Important for my syrup addiction! Gimmie!
Jay holds Nate back from attacking Evan.
Nate stops struggling as Evan starts talking again:
EVANAnyway, fine. I’ll accept your teachings as I’m going to need all the help I can get. Though, I would have preferred Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod, the Jay-Z and Beyonce of Canada.
TRANSITION TO:
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - YARD, SECTION 2
Len and Jay watch as Nate releases a large june bug which flutters around Evan.
Evan is blind-folded and holding a hockey stick.
NATEThe syrup is what gives a Canadian his power. It's an energy field created by all syrup trees. It surrounds us, and penetrates us. It binds the hat-part of North America together.EVANAre you kidding me? That is a clear rip-off of several Eastern world spiritual concepts, including the Chinese notion of “chi”.NATEAh, you catch on quick, moose-face. Now swing with that feeling of discontent!
As Evan swings, he hits a bee hive hanging from the tree, and knocks it at Jay and Len. The beehive knocks Jay and Len down to the ground, with no bees flying out.
TRANSITION TO:
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT
Evan is holding two rags. Nate gestures to all the cars.
NATENow, I want you to wax all these cars. It’ll exercise your blocking motion, even though people only ever really just remember the “Wax on; wax off” part.(beat)Ha! It’s also a euphemism. I get it now.
As Evan is about to approach the first car, Nate interrupts.
He pours a gob of syrup into each rag on each of Evan’s hands.
TRANSITION TO:
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - FRONT STEPS
Nate and Evan stand at the bottom of the steps. There are many steps and it looks like it would be quite a hike to go up them.
NATERun up these steps and when you get to the top, just start jumping around and cheering like you’re on a syrup-sugar high-- but do it in a Sylvester Stallone way.
EVANWhat the hell, man? You are the worst person for anything anywhere! I just wanted to show that Anti-Syruper that our culture is better now despite the rocky syrup-stealing start.(beat)I mean, it is, isn’t it?
NATEThat’s debatable. Besides I’m a wonderful teacher! Who do you think taught Brian Mulroney everything he knew?EVANThat was you!? You son of a bitch!
Evan leaps onto Nate and starts punching and Nate struggles to fight back.
Suddenly a sci-fi energy beam shoots out of Evan’s hands and takes out a nearby student, Jake.
Jake is left twitching on the ground.
EVANHoly crap! I can do the thing and stuff!?
NATEYou see? I told you I could bring you over to the dark side.(beat)I probably should’ve mentioned there was a good side and dark side of being a Syruper. You were on the can for too long so I chose the latter.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - TEACHER’S LOUNGE
The teachers, Sammy, Lambert and Fred are all hung-over and look dishevelled.
SAMMYLast thing I remember is getting into a fight with a polar bear and then making up with it after.(beat)Oh God. What have I done???
Penichi enters.
PENICHIListen, you guys, I just wanted to say we put a good effort into this, but unfortunately, this joining of men for backyard shenanigans is not a serious fit for me.LAMBERTHa!(beat)Seriously, does this mean you’re not joining us for the cross-country strippers and beer-a-thon?PENICHI
Don’t you guys realize not every teacher is going to mesh with your backwards lifestyles? Perhaps I did want this to work out, but not in the Tom Green kind of way. I’m sorry. Let’s remember the awkward times we had.
After a last look, he leaves the teacher’s lounge.
EXT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CANADIAN FOREST (CLEARLY BEHIND THE SCHOOL)
Later: The forest is quiet as Evan is sitting cross-legged on the ground in an open area. A bottle of syrup sits next to him.
Jay, Len, Penichi and Duane enter on the sidelines, watching from a distance.
LENIs it just me, or did the Facebook invite seem more of a courtesy?
(beat)
Well, we’re here now, I guess.
Suddenly, Matari enters the area and confronts Evan.
MATARII knew you’d try to reclaim syrup with some kind of rationale about reverse-culture.
EVAN
Oh, awesome. You got my e-mail. There was JPEG of a tree I was going to attach, but I thought, “no, he’s going to think I’m trying too hard. And I really need friends. I really do.”
MATARIYou fool! It doesn’t matter how far society has come. Canada’s true enemy are the syrup corporations who are using the bulk of our liquid gold slurpees for their own syrup-based super soldiers!EVANWhat?? A further issue to the stolen-culture one??? That’s too many issues!MATARINo it isn’t! There can be as many as I want!
Matari fires energy beams in a responsive anger. Evan dodges, gets up and fires back several times.
The two blast beam after beam, dodging and leaping over each one, blowing anything and everything around them.
The fight continues on, exiting the forest.
FOLLOW TO:
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA
The fight follows into the school, and into the cafeteria. Julia is the only one there, sitting alone, doing homework.
Blasting energy beams, Evan is knocked back onto a desk near her.
EVANListen. I owe you an apology for earlier. Like a cow giving birth in a Burger King bathroom, my analogies tend to get out of control.
Evan knocks Matari back and into another table.
JULIEMaybe I over-reacted a little. It's just that misunderstandings always lead me to comprehend a different understanding of a thing over what was intended.
Matari blasts a barrage of rapid energy beams, causing Evan to dodge them all.
Evan returns fire, trying to do the same thing, but only succeeds in more hand thrusting in ratio to energy blasting.
JULIEAnyway, what you were proposing was a complex-mutual agreement of socially pre-approved exchanges and rules based on constantly changing cultural standards; the implications of which are beyond either of our comprehensions or abilities to keep up with.
Evan stops his energy blasting in confusion.
The group catches up and takes a spot on the sidelines.
MATARIYou stand no chances against me, you Deadmau5 face-mole! I’ve achieved Level 2 syrup status, and nothing you have in your filth-kid Justin Beiber sleeves measures up.
Matari starts running toward Evan, while firing and Evan starts running toward Matari, while firing also.
Julie takes out an albatross whistle and blows it. The albatross sound it makes disturbs Matari’s run, making him almost lose balance.
Catching on quickly, Evan then slides and dodges a beam of Matari’s energy and uses his lowered position to hit Matari with a bigger blast, from below, and send Matari up into the metal-complex-ceiling.
Matari is then embedded into the metal, fading to unconsciousness while trapped up there.
Nate walks over.
As if on queue, the cafeteria starts to fill up with students and activity again. The group: Julie, Jay, Len with breakfast cereal take a seat at the table. Nate sits with soup and Montreal steak spice. Penichi sits with just his scotch. Evan sits with the syrup bottle, as well, as a WAITER, early 30s, places a plate of pancakes in front of him.
The waiter goes into the background and he and Duane hands out syrup bottles to students all over the cafeteria.
JAYSo, is Matari being beaten to a pulp enough of a preventative measure against the Anti-Syrupers? And where does this specific individual lie in the organizational structure of his peers?EVANThose are questions.JAYDidn’t you mean to say, “Those are good questions”?EVANNo, I think I was clear. But to touch on the situation a bit, I believe the physical defeat that man endured is more than enough to make him think twice before trying anything again.LENSo, all in all, things worked out.
(to Penichi)
Except your thing. Probably. You have that sense about you. Also, who are you?PENICHII think we all have the same class together? I think?LEN(to Evan)Anyway, thanks for dealing with this deeply-hidden Canadian secret of which no one else wanted to touch with a ten meter pole. All it took was the naiveté of one young lad.EVANJust doing what any current real world student would do, and that is care about things.JULIEI’m not..... sure about your grasp of things--- Anyway, can we please just go back to not saying the syrup by its name: syrup?EVANI think I’m going to take a break from it for a few days. I was starting to feel the power addiction; which explains why 400 year old indigenous cultures didn’t want us having it. Too much giddiness.JAYDo you think there’s any truth to that Anti-Syruper’s claims of super-soldiers?
EVANIf there are, we’re just going to have to wait and see. High school is so far detached from real world issues that any inclinations of anything outside aren’t our business until it’s too late.(beat)That’s the Cartier Guarantee!
Evan holds his thumb up to the camera. Titling splashes on screen: “Cartier’s Scurvy High School: Who Cares About the Outside World!”
CHOIR (V.O.)(singing)“Cartier’s Scurvy High School: Who Cares About the Outside World!”
THE END