Episode 2: Syrupedia
ACT TWO
EXT. /EST. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Next day.
INT. CAFETERIA
Evan takes a seat at the table with Nate, Jay and Len and Julie. It’s breakfast and everyone has cereal, except Evan, who has pancakes.
EVANSo, that guy from yesterday is going to be okay, according to Ornge, the helicopter critical care service of Ontario.JAYHuh, I thought the dude just had a concussion?EVANOh, he was fine. It’s just that Ornge has become so powerful, they’ve taken over all paramedical services everywhere.
(looks at food)
Damn. No syrup today! This is getting ridiculous from a sugar-obsessed point of view.JAYBy the way, don’t you have super powers now?EVANI thought I did, but this morning, I think it all died down after the usual morning fuss.
Julie cuts her finger opening a pop can.
She gets up and leaves.
EVANSo, if one were to ask someone of the female variety out on something called...(checks writing on wrist)...a “date”, how would one go about the asking of it?LENYou’re going to ask Julie out???JAYI say: Just be honest with her. According to H. Jackson Brown, Jr.: “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”
Suddenly, someone yells from off-screen
KYLE (O.S.)Hey everyone! The vending machine broke and it’s dispersing free Montreal steak spice!JAYThat’s what my heart wanted!
Jay, Len and Nate run off in excitement. Meanwhile, Penichi joins Evan at the table.
PENICHIWell, that was the worst thing that ever happened.EVANUh, wasn’t that party two days ago?PENICHII literally just woke from it. I think I was roofied by old Mrs. Pennyworth’s banana cream muffins.EVANNot to offer a second derailment of topic, but what class do you teach?PENICHII dunno. Geo-math-glish or something. --The point being, I refuse to befriend those foolish hobb-nobbers with their high society keg-and-tube-like pre-requisites.EVANMaybe you just need to get them into the kinds of things you’re into. Like...(genuine)...Smoking pipes? Playing records? Eating potatoes?PENICHIYes, on all those things! And you’re right. Like the European colonists of early Canada, arriving and enacting cultural genocide, it’s Penichi’s time to shine!
He takes out confetti from his pocket and angrily throws it up in the air over himself. Evan just watches as it sprinkles down and Penichi leaves.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY B
EVAN is walking through the hallways on his way to class. As he passes the school chapel (a room as a mini-church) he hears a whimper (Duane) from inside.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CHAPEL
Entering, Evan finds Duane, alone, sitting on the floor of the dimly lit room.
EVANWhat are you doing in this religiously-biased section of the school? Also, shouldn’t you be in the hospital?DUANEI escaped, for there is a greater situation at hand which must be dealt with. You know of what I speak.EVANThe maple syrup? You know, the cafeteria isn’t that far off if you just need to deliver it. It’s literally in the same building I keep seeing you in.DUANEYou fool! This is bigger than a mere delivery. There is a group of believers who are against the syrup. They’ve been working tirelessly to undermine my efforts. If they have their way, Canada will never produce syrup again.EVANThat’s insane?? Also, you’re insane?DUANEI saw your finger marks in the hallway-spilled syrup as I was being crudely scaled up a rope to an Ornge helicopter.EVANI... I thought I felt something.(convinced)But that was all in my head.DUANENo! The syrup is more than a passing titillation.EVAN(immature)--Ha!DUANEIt’s the bond between our world and the next. It’s the here and now; the beginning and the end.EVANSo, words, huh?(beat)Besides, everyone puts maple syrup on their pancakes. If what you say is true, then everyone in Canada should have super powers? Even the hipsters.DUANEThat’s just the thing. They do! Everyone in this country does have super powers!(truthfully)People just don’t know how to tap into them, or are, more or less, unaware of their existence.EVANWho is everybody? The “jackass” guy from Happy Gilmore?(beat)The character; not the actor.(beat)To be clear, the actor was a genius.DUANEMy concussion knocked me out of the game, but tapping into your potential can be achieved through focus and meditation.EVANDude, I can’t even stay on the channel when the Juno Awards are on. But, I do love syrup more than my own health. And I’d certainly risk diabetes for it.(beat)I’ll do it.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY B
As EVAN is exiting the room, he bumps into JULIE, who is on her way to class as well.
JULIEEvan! Are you off to Geo-math-glish too? Did you get a chance to read Phys-Hamlet?EVANActually, there was something I wanted to talk to you about first.(dreamily)You see, it takes years for the majestic albatross to learn and adapt its own mating ritual, which it uses to weed out its perfect mate--JULIEUgh. Don’t get me started on albatrosses. The world certainly does not want to get me started on albatrosses! Those pretentious beaks and their annoying squawks. Did you know they won’t even come to Canada? Something about global warming messing with their environmental needs.EVANWait. I was asking you out?JULIEOh, no you don’t. Not after I’ve been gotten-going on the whole squawker situation.(beat)I need call my seabird support group, right away.
Julie leaves to Evan’s shock.
EXT. HOUSE PARTY - BACKYARD - NIGHT (AS BEFORE)
Penichi has gone to another house party. Mrs. Pennyworth, an incredibly old woman, is standing next to him, chugging a floored-keg of beer through a long-reaching straw.
PENICHI(fatherly)Alright, Mrs. Pennyworth. You’ve had quite enough.
He reaches over but she knocks his hand away.
MRS. PENNYWORTH(drunk)I used to be somebody! I was a CBC newsroom anchor!
Lambert and Sammy enter frame, holding beers.
PENICHI(to Lambert and Sammy)Oh hey. Do you guys like trains?(beat)Did you know Canada’s railway network is the fifth largest in the world? We’re just behind India!LAMBERTLook, Penichi, we’re all behind getting to know each other-- but you haven’t even tried bobbing for bras yet.SAMMYWait! Train tracks? We set up the Slip’N’Slide into the already existing pool of strippers and chicken wings!LAMBERTOhhh, dude, you are brilliant, especially when you’ve been doing jello shots off pregnant women.
They high-five and then run off screen in excitement.
Penichi glances over at Mrs. Pennyworth who seems to be sober, sharp and alert while sipping a cup of tea.
PENICHIWhat the hell? How did you--??MRS. PENNYWORTHYears of practice, sweetie. Now, shall we take this bad boy to your house, or mine?
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
Evan, Jay and Nate are walking down the hallway. Evan holds another plate of pancakes, this time with syrup on them.
EVANWe sure do a lot of walking in these hallways.NATEJust tell us where you got the syrup or the frog gets it.
They all stop as Nate holds up a gun to an already dead frog from the Science Department.
EVANOh now we’re talking about it?(honestly)I took a sample off Duane, the Syrper guy. Although it was only one bottle, as, during hand-off, he was spooked by a church bell, thinking it was the Anti-Syrupers. Ha! Like that’s a legitimate fear; am I right gang?JAYYou promised never to call us that again!
Suddenly, the Anti-Syruper, Matari turns a corner and confronts them.
MATARIIt is I, that other guy and stuff! And my attitude is that all syrup must be destroyed! And all supporters must go with it!(beat)That means you, if I wasn’t clear.EVANOh my God. It’s the Anti-Syruper that we were just speaking about moments before! And he’s as one-dimensional as last time!MATARILook, if you must know what I’ve been doing between appearances, it’s that I’ve been beefing up my powers. I’m a representative of indigenous interest groups and I believe our syrup secrets were stolen by European settlers!NATEWhat? Your antagonism is hypocritical, not to mention you’re giving our people a bad reputation!MATARIOh yeah? Aren’t you supposed to be in a lake somewhere? How dare you walk amongst man!
Scared, NATE grabs EVAN.
NATE(scared)Ahh! He saw right through my lack of disguise! You have to use your syrup power against him!
Focused, Evan takes a stance, ready to fight with Matari.
Matari fires a sci-fi energy blast from his hands that Evan dodges.
EVANNice try, but I’ve been developing my powers in a heavily edited montage of me in different meditation poses. Anyone see my upload? Dammit. I must’ve forgotten to click Publish.(beat)This one’s for the internet!
He tries to focus his abilities, resulting in electric currents powering up around his palms. But the built-up energy explodes in-place from his hands, knocking Evan, Jay and Nate backward, to the floor.
MATARIHah! You went off way too soon, buddy. Rookie move in and outside of the bedroom. --The bedroom is where I assume you did your syrup-training.
A sci-fi energy blast from off-screen suddenly shoots across, on-screen, past Evan and the group, toward Matari. It hits Matari and Matari is knocked down, to which he quickly scrambles back to his feet in fear.
MATARIDamn, you old man! So, you did achieve Level 2 syrup status; the much rumoured level said to have first been developed by the Powhatan Chief himself after a late night of pure, uninterrupted white-man-contempting.(beat)Wait. That’s an acquirable goal!
He runs off. Duane approaches Evan and helps him sit up.
DUANEThat science-fiction-like energy blast was partially faked. I dipped my hands in Montreal steak spice before launching it. That spice improves anything. Unfortunately, it won’t be enough to stop Matari.EVANThen it looks like I’ve got some training montages to part-take in.
END OF ACT TWO