Episode 4: Hockey Hall of War
ACT TWO
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY
The next day, Evan, Jay, Julie and Len are sitting at their usual table.
EVAN...And they were all just working there, like they had health care and a pension!LENWhy did you say that out of nowhere? We’ve been sitting here in complete silence for ten minutes.EVANSorry, I sometimes imagine conversations with you guys before I initiate them.
(to Julie)
By the way, thank you for agreeing to spot me at the gym later.JAYWhat Evan meant to open with was that we discovered a group of underground ugly people operating as the head of the NHL. We overheard one calling a Montreal Canadien defenseman and ordering him to slash an Ottawa Senator. Another dude called a Calgary Flames guy and told him to sniper as many Anaheim Ducks as possible. All perfectly legitimately-pre-meditated events, but somehow operated by these... things?JULIEWhat are they?EVANThey look human-like, but their body proportions are all off-- mishapened skulls, shorter legs, feet for as far as the eye could see!LENWell, in Earth pre-history, there have been several cases of human species, some co-existing. As we are known as the sapiens, our most recent cousins were the neanderthalensis and next to them the Hobbit-like floresiensis. Homos not-with-standing.EVANMaybe that’s them? What if that species continued living on, but in secret to eventually become the heads of the National Hockey League??LENIt sounds plausible, and maybe even likely. But what do they have to gain, other than causing hockey fans to go nuts and fight each other in the stands?JAYThat must be it. They hate homosapiens because we rule the surface world, and they’re forced to live in sewers.EVANJay’s right. That’s how I would enact revenge. That’s how any of us would do it.JULIEThis is all fascinating and revelatory, but Len and I are trying to deal with Nate’s latest attempt to de-clothe society! I don’t know about you, but it’s too early for me to learn about what men call “shrinkage”.LENYeah, your plot is interesting, Evan, but it’s clear Julie and I are on a different story, running parallel to yours.EVANFine. We both do our stories and we’ll meet back here once we’re about to hit their climaxes and see if they intersect.JULIEAgreed. But whoever turns out to be the A-story has to buy B-story group’s poutines later.
They pile hands in agreement and then both groups (Evan and Jay, then Julia and Len) part ways.
INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND NHL OFFICE - OFFICE - DAY
KEN, an adult hobbit, male, enters to see his boss, LARS, adult hobbit, male, with a goatee, sitting behind his desk on a high-chair.
KENMr. Lars, security camera footage shows two nosey teenagers, with attitude, snooping around the facility and enacting the action of something called “scoping us out”.LARSWhat!? Well, aren’t they a couple of regular Tintins and Snowys? That little dog was always getting himself into so much trouble. Ha! Adorable.KENShall I send “The Sniper” to deal with these two and end their unsolictated perusals into Floresiensis kind?LARSWhat? Just ask me things in normal speak. Anyway, yes; the timing of these two tall sky-sores couldn’t be worse, considering we are finally, and coincidentally, about to make our move.KENAnd what move would that be, sir?LARSWhy would I explain that to you again like some sort of well-timed info-dump? We talked about it just 5 minutes ago!KENTo be honest, I was thinking about Human Little People. Would they be cool with us? Or would we be natural enemies? And why are short people always depicted as angry? Are we to assume they, by-default, hate the world for their mere stature?
LARS throws a mini-book at KEN.
LARSI have a thimble-sized latte cooling per its volume on my dinner-tray desk! I don’t have time for your socialized self-awareness no matter how relevant! Get out!
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - LIBRARY
EVAN, sitting at a microfilm projector, scrolls through newspaper after newspaper about the NHL. JAY walks over.
JAYI just saw a romantic lead take off her glasses and let down her hair at the most crucial moment of self-realization. And it turned out she was hot all along!EVANYeah, that happens all the time here. But enough about self-indulgent romance plot-lines. Look at this: Every cover photo about the NHL has what we would normally perceive as a ‘little person’, somewhere in its background.
EVAN brings up winning team group photos, on the ice, for each:
EVAN1993, The Montreal Canadiens, a short man standing behind hair-king and legend General Manager Serge Savard, smoking a pipe.(beat)1989, a dwarf-like fellow brushes Calgary Flames’ Co-Captain Lanny McDonald’s over-sized and well-endowed mustache for one final comb.(beat)1967, legendary Terry Sawchuck pours a stout man a glass of rye whisky, winking in appreciation for the literal micro-coaching and game-night hookup.JAYThis is it! We have evidence that supports our wild and crazy, off-beat accusations. Not that hockey fans wouldn’t stone us either way.
Suddenly, a long sniper rile, with wheels on its front, wheels in, pointing directly at them. At its other end, is a short man with dwarfism, THE SNIPER, average, mid-30s. He aims, with one eye looking through the viewing scope:
THE SNIPERThat’s as far as you go, you hunched-out tall-sores. You see, the world is quite happy with hockey and its hyper-addictive aggression caveats, and with your deaths it will maintain said unhealthy elation.JAYWait. You’re human, aren’t you? Also, if you’re a sniper, shouldn’t you be picking us off in hiding?THE SNIPERIt took me two hours to wheel this monstrosity into here!(beat)Why can’t Canadian schools get wheel chair access ramps right?? It’s like Canada hates special needs people!EVANHey! This country is trying. We just put an army of disability-based children through school and have no idea where to put them.THE SNIPERWell, I know where to put you two-- six feet under.JAYSo, that’s like three for you?
Frustrated, THE SNIPER yells as he’s about to shoot, but EVAN grabs his microfilm, then runs over and kicks the wheel apparatus off.
The kick collapses the upright position of the long rifle. The gun shoots the floor and EVAN and JAY run out of there.
INT./ESTAB. SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - NUDE CLUB
Julie and Len walk in, covering their eyes, while escorting PRINCIPAL SHUSTER, average, Brent Butt like, balding man, with glasses.
Julie, Len, Shuster stand before Nate and Calvin. Julie and Len, eyes covered by one hand, are facing the wrong direction.
Shuster, taking in his environment, sees Nate and several other students naked. (Shuster is with no reactive-expression yet.) The students’ nudity is, by-chance, carefully blocked by various objects in the room. They’re all standing around, drinking juice and chatting, a-la party atmosphere.
JULIEYou’re in for it now, Nate. We brought the only clothie capable of stitching you out: Principal Shuster!SHUSTERI’m really just a Principal because my great-uncle was the co-creator of DC’s Superman. I spend most of my days trying to lift cars over my head.JULIENot that. Let’s not talk about that right now.NATEHa! This is your end-game? Ha! Oh, Julie, I thought you of the whole group would have come up with something better than this? I mean, you once tricked the boys into running backwards on logs down the Saint Lawrence River to Wade Hemsworth, and that hasn’t been a thing since Jean Chrétien embezzled half the industry of its log reserve. Tree logs are the gold of Canada, you know.LENWhat!? We backward ran for hours that day??SHUSTERNow, all this nudity does remind me of Superman and his muscle-contouring super-tights. If he was brave enough to sport those crevace-pinchers, then maybe we all could learn something of said bravery? I know I have.
Julie hustles and shoves both Shuster and Len out of frame.
JULIEOkay. The two of you: Out!(beat)And you, Nate: Clothes are a symbol of rationalized, social order, where people don’t have to be distracted by each other’s private parts and extraneous roll-clumps and actually talk normal to each other. My strategies are nothing compared to the damage you’ll be causing to the whole of Canada through your visible truth-bombs.
Nate, in mild-shock, watches her exit.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY 2
Evan and Jay stop running when they reach Carson, who is sitting behind his table of hockey pamphlets.
CARSONHey, you bro-bro’s look like someone’s trying to kill you! Ha! Though, I also acknowledge that as a serious issue.
Evan holds up the microfilm.
EVANDude-bro, we found evidence the NHL is being run by a secret underground race of Floresiensis hominids!(beat)Jay?JAYWe’re being tracked by a sniper working for them! To be clear, our animosity isn’t derivative of his stature, but rather the fact he’s trying to kill us.CARSONBruh-bro-cities, I’m sorry to hear about that.(beat)But, as you now know, the powers of the NHL are bigger than you and I, and soon...
He stands up, opening his trench coat to reveal he is actually two Floresiensis people (one on the shoulders of the other). The one on top continues to speak, but his voice changes to a higher pitch.
END OF ACT TWO