Episode 4: Hockey Hall of War
ACT THREE
EXT./ESTAB. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
The entire school is surrounded by Floresiensis guards, holding weapons and standing around in an occupational state.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN OFFICE
Lars, Ken and a few Floresiensis Guards are present, maintaining a surrounded positioning around Evan, Jat and Shuster. Lars takes hold of the announcement microphone and starts broadcasting.
LARSDear Jacques Cartier’s Scurvy High, this is your occupational Floresiensis force speaking. For hundreds of thousands of years, you lank-arm, slack-jawed, drool-giants have ruled the upper world in utter consternation and humiliation, offering this planet nothing but pollution, war, and unbridled destruction. More importantly, your ancestors forced us underground and now we’re here to, as you millennials say, “flip the script”.
Meanwhile, at the side:
JAYWho’s equating real life events to a pre-scripted narrative? Black people? It’s a race thing, huh?
Back to LARS:
LARSThanks to two of your nosiest snoop-based teenagers, with attitude, we’re forced to begin our stubby-legged Canadian-invasion of knee-cap proportions, here at Jacques Cartier’s Scurvy High. So, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the smooth pangs of a miniature militaristic overture.
He switches the over-the-air broadcast to easy-going, saxophone MUSIC before he walks over and is confronted by the apprehended Evan and Jay. The GUARDS surrounding them from behind keep a watchful eye.
EVANThis is crazy, Lars. The Canadian surface world belongs to its citizens, which was violently appropriated illegally from Aboriginals. What evidence do you have us surface-gawkers would reject you sewer-slackers?LARSIt’s not simply a matter of rejection; it’s that two homo-based men can never coexist!JAYWhoa, whoa, whoa. So this is about being anti-LGBT? That’s totally not cool, man. And, claiming that doesn’t make me a Social Justice Warrior.LARSWhat? How is anyone expected to keep track of those acronyms?
(beat)
Also, no. I’m talking about “homo” the species prefix!
(beat)
In no part of history has one species been able to cohabit the Earth without one annihilating the other. You were the female mantis in your relationship with the Neanderthals, ripping their heads off upon satisfactory copulation.EVANI don’t know what scares me more, this height-restricted occupation or that graphic analogy which is just as hacked as your success, supplemented by your NHL-infecting jaunt. Now Canadian-hockey-fans are nothing but blood-drenched, drool-festering mad men! That’s on you guys.LARSWhat we’ve done to Canadians is pure eloquence! I stake our work within the NHL solely upon its success and more.
(beat)
We also have an unrelated thimble product line that’s selling like hotcakes.EVANStake, huh? That bet is on, Lars. You think you did so good? Let’s pit one of your hackneyed, underworld-coached NHL teams against an NHL team of our choosing. Ours won’t be influenced by you or anyone else. Winner takes Canada, the Stanley Cup of agriculture and railroads and stuff.LARSOh, the confidence you muster! It nearly rivals my own. I will use said realization to catapult my certainty further to gratuitous decision-making!
(beat)
Call up your precious cockatoo Don Cherry! Feed him the rainbow trout, and coloured Froot Loops, and donuts with sprinkles, and we shall initiate the NHL showdown of the century!
EXT./ESTAB. AIR CANADA CENTRE - SUNSET
INT. AIR CANADA CENTRE - PLAYER’S BENCH #1 - SAME DAY
Jay walks over and meets Evan who has taken on the role of coach to his chosen team. The other players haven’t arrived yet.
JAYEvan, this is madness! Why would you entrust the future of this country to the results of a hockey game? Actual cultural genocide is conceivable here!EVANAre you kidding me? That’s the Canadian way! Not to mention, it was you that showed me the potential of hockey and how it can move an entire country. I believe in its blood-thirsty drunken-high, and I think it can save us.JAYYeah, but you chose the Toronto Maple Leafs! That’s like choosing mold to clean dirt off a proposal for more Trailer Park Boys!
Players from the Toronto Maple Leafs begin filing into their Player’s Bench with them.
EVANWhoa, whoa! You leave those national heros alone! If anything, the Trailer Park Boys deserve the Victoria Cross. Also, what you need to understand is, there’s a bandwagon here, and as any hockey fan is already aware, you have to jump on it before anyone else notices.
INT. AIR CANADA CENTRE - PLAYER’S BENCH #2
Ken approaches Lars, who has chosen to coach his own hockey team of his choosing. The players have not arrived yet.
KENLars, this is madness! Why would you sink to this clear bait when we already have the crown of this environmentally oil-damaged country in the collective palm of our miniature hands??LARSAny morsel of opposition to our dominative hierarchy and axioms is an epidemic of resistance that could easily lead to our demise. Taking over the country is merely not enough. We have to show them our ideals are better suited as its keepers through the only thing Canadians know and understand: Ice-Lover, Cold-Kisser: Also known as Hockey. And who better to usher in a new era for us than the Ottawa Senators!
The players from the Ottawa Senators begin filing into their Player’s Bench with them.
KENBut the Vancouver Canucks would have assured us a swift victory!LARSAnd risk another Bertuzzism? You know that we lost an entire thimble shipment in that failed transaction!KENHave you ever considered those small ketchup cups? Now’s there’s an untapped market.
INT. AIR CANADA CENTRE - HOCKEY RINK
Both teams spill out into the rink and begin playing aggressively. The aggression turns more chaotic, and the chaos eventually turns into an all-out brawl.
INT. AIR CANADA CENTRE - PLAYER’S BENCH #2
LARS and KEN take notice of the debacle in utter shock.
EVAN and JAY slide their way over, while ducking flying debris.
EVANExactly what I expected: Years and years of Canadian hockey aggression has made both these teams incapable of normal hockey play. Your disruption of the game worked so well that you can’t even control it anymore.
The group watches as the players begin to lose their clothes in all the fighting.
JAYOh, ugh! Now it’s getting worse! As if some B-plot theme was crossing over into our A-plot!LARSNo, no! You homo sapeins have shown your true Don Cherry coat-like colours: as northern barbarians! You’ve taken our minor tampering and have blown it way out of proportion!
NATE walks over, completely naked. He takes notice of the fighting and loss of clothes therin.
NATEFinally! The trend has gone mainstream and now I can feel great without the pressures of society!(beat)Meh. I miss the old paradigm.
Nate starts putting on his clothes again.
NATEDon’t worry. All my causes die without me. Now, what’s my next hair-brained scheme going to be?(beat)Oh, I know! I’ll take a job with Ethel at the candy factory and show Ricky who’s the real lazy one.EVANDude! You know your references are supposed to be Canadian.NATEOh, please. It’s well understood this country only has 20; and 10 of them are John Candy.LARSIt’s a shame you pathetic CN Towers had to resort to lame aggression tactics when good old fashioned hockey would have sufficed.
Suddenly, a carrier pigeon lands upon the open rink siding which sits between Lars and Evan. Evan picks up the note and reads it.
EVANHey, you were sending Erik Karlsson a bribe for the James Norris Memorial Trophy to win this game.(beat)You know he’s already got fifteen of them!LARSOh, who cares! We may have invented cheating in hockey, but it’s your referees taking it to the next level by turning a blind eye to every crosscheck, hook, eye gouge and skate blade impalement!JAYAlso, the fact players get more respect than doctors.LARSExactly! And, as such, you’ve forced my mini-hand. You see, if we can’t have this land of ice lovers with complete surrender, then you shall suffer the hardships of our latest creations!
He brings them over to a window on the upper section of the ACC, which shows a wide view of the outside city. There, several large animal/human-hybrid creatures are slow lifted out of the ground and released onto the streets in a vicious rampage.
LARSOur genetically modified NHL mascots! Carlton the Bear! Youppi! SpartCat! Fin the Whale, and whole host of others! Let’s see if you surface dwellers can survive the abhorrent outrageousness! Hahahah!
They watch as Lars takes out a remote and remote-opens a hatch in the floor nearby. He and Ken jump down it and escape into the Canadian netherworld.
Evan and Jay turn to look back at the madness outside.
EVANThat’s actually pretty cool.JAYYeah, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed. And the science involved must’ve been highly progressive for people with such stubby arms.EVANI’m just pleased to see the NHL’s imaginations manifest as real life. Good for them.
They continue watching.
EXT./ESTAB. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
The school is no longer surrounded and is now back to normal. As part of the backdrop, Carlton the Bear rampages in the school yard, scaring the children as he destroys the landscape.
INT. CARTIER’S SCURVY HIGH SCHOOL - MAIN OFFICE
Principal Shuster stands around with Evan, Jay, Julie and Nate.
SHUSTERWell, the classrooms are in a state of complete disarray, but at least we have our freedom again.EVANI’m surprised we didn’t just throw baskets over our invaders? Seems like that would’ve been the most likely solution.JAYIn the end, their folley was wanting too much. But does that mean they’re never welcome upon the surface world again?
Suddenly, two RCMP officers in classic Canadian red uniform and hats burst into the room: DORVAN, adult, male and RINNA, adult, female.
DORVANHold it right there, eh!RINNAYeah, nobody move, ya hosers!EVANOh no, the RCMP!?JAYThe most inept, stereotypical force of the Canadian Empire!DORVANWe hear-tell there be another one of them incursions of Floresensis little people in this here thar loon parts. Giv’er!EVANYou’re a little late, there, Mounties. We foiled them with an epically destructive game of old school hockey. The Leafs lost.JAYWait. You guys dealt with these mini-pops before?RINNAOh, yahs, we’s know all aboot them thar short-stuffs. Two yeeers agooh, dey attoompted to overthrah the Ultimate comp with no over-reeching success.EVANUltimate?JAYUltimate frisbee. People shorten it just to “Ultimate” as a form of ultimate pretentiousness.EVANGadzooks, man! I would’ve helped those minor-whiners.DORVANWell, it seems yers stoopin out er trouble ‘ere after’alls; roip! If’n you seein them thar middle-jets, you go’on giver’a’call, eh? Eh?EVANNo thanks.RINNAAnd remember, keep yer stick on the ice!EVANAh. You did a “Red Green” reference. Excellent.
As soon as the RCMP officers leave, Jay turns to Evan.
JAYSo, has all this cheating and awkward nudity ruined hockey for you?EVANNah. If anything, it’s made it more interesting. You see, a game is more than its self-contained rules and regulations, but, rather, it’s all the non-sensicale, obsessive-compulsive fan variables that surrounds it. Like merchandising.JAYGreat. Because the next exciting season of fun is just starting up. Are you a fan of the Blue Jays?EVANOh yeah, I love those crazy blue-colored dancers, always stomping on trash cans and whatnot. The beats are always heart-pounding.JAYI’m not your friend anymore.
THE END