Canadiology 5B

Episode 5: Religumatics

ACT TWO

EXT. SUBURBS, EVAN’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - DAY, HAUNTINGLY OVERCAST

Evan, Nate, the neighbours Mrs. Leslie, Mr. Jellico and Kirk, and Kimmy, all are peering at the tear in the sky caused by over-apologizing.

EVAN

How the hell is any of this possible??

NATE

How about you stop needing everything explained all the time? How about that?

MR. JELLICO

Heh, heh. Oh, silly us. We opened another Hell-portal. You see, the frequency and speed of apologizing in a mathematical multi-dimensional universe, when verbalized in a way that reflects certain space-time equations, is more than enough in active-calculation to cause a metaphysical rip. Oh, quantum physics, is there anything you can’t do?
(beat)
Welp! I’d better go feed Scruffy. He sure does like his puppy chow!
(baby-talk to Scruffy)
Don’t you? Don’t you, Scruff Scruff! You wittle Scruff Puff!

Scruffy barks in excitement. Mr. Jellico and the other neighbours walk away to get back to their lives like nothing is out of the ordinary.

NATE

I like your neighbours. But I also don’t like them. It’s both. That’s possible.

Just then, creature with a demonic head and fangs steps out of the portal, KIGATILIK, 30s, monsterous-voice, 6-foot, over-bulked, with partial armour. He looks around and then takes notice of Nate and Evan.

KIGATILIK

Greetings. I was just lazying about when this portal opened. Am I in Ireland by any chance?

EVAN

No. Canada.

KIGATILIK

Ah.
(beat)
I really wanted to kiss the blarney stone. I’ve always been curious to know what everyone’s germs on my lips felt like.

NATE

You’re weird lookin’. Are you single?

KIGATILIK

Fool!! I am Kigatilik of the Claw People and I am evil incarnate! I once stole candy from a baby! Granted, the baby threw up in my face, and since, to us demons, that is a gift, I returned the candy out of respect.

EVAN

Now that you’re here, I suppose you’ll be running amuck and wreaking havoc in, what I imagine as, one of the perks of not having an Earthly home address?

KIGATILIK

I would love to. But, alas, the pressures of modern life and daily work hours are a great weight these days. As a consolation, I am a wonderful typist and bureaucrat. 

Kigatilik holds up his hands to present his claws.

KIGATILIK

I mean, look at these babies. Give me a keyboard that I won’t make sing.

From holding his hands up and looking at them, in the same field of vision, he then takes notice of Nate. He points at Nate.

KIGATILIK

Wait! You’re not supposed to be here!  

NATE

Who? Me? Oh, you. Why, yes. I’d love to go out for cocktails sometime.

KIGATILIK

As a representative and officer of the demonic hellish hell-bound Hell realm, one that you’re a citizen of, it’s my duty to charge and try you, a British Colombia resident, for being in Ontario illegally!

EVAN

That’s illegal? To us humans, it’s unheard of, yes. But illegal? Not yet, anyway.

KIGATILIK

Fool!! The underworld has way more cojones than the human world. That should’ve been a given!

He picks up Nate, puts Nate over his shoulder and then steps through the portal. The portal then closes up, leaving Evan and Tammy.

Tammy is holding a Christian cross necklace, which is around her neck.

TAMMY

I’m sorry about your friend. But what happens in the evils of Hell, stays in the evils of Hell.

EVAN

Thank you?

TAMMY

My name is Tammy, and I’m sorry about ignoring you earlier. I was just so confused about the weather-- a lot like The Weather Network the day before a light rain.

EVAN

How archaic is this supernatural system that it needs to deport someone? Talk about bureaucracy overload! We have to inject these lame-o’s with edge-juice!

TAMMY

I see now that you are attractive and desirable. Allow me to assist. You see, what you seek is a shaman, or go-between.

EVAN

Wait. What was that first thing?

 (processing the rest)

What?

TAMMY

One such person can assist in the bridging to, and post-cleansing, of evil. I know of one and can take you to him.

EVAN

Oh, well, that’s great. I’m not sure how to repay you for such kindness. 

He digs through his pockets and then fingers through some coins in his hand.

EVAN

I have a toonie... A threenie--?

TAMMY

Coffee. We should go out for coffee sometime.

EXT./ESTAB. SCARBOROUGH APARTMENTS

A sign displays “Scarborough Apartments” on the lawn of a group of run-down buildings. Gun shots, screams and a crying baby can quickly be heard off screen.

Evan, Tammy and Samantha stand outside the front doors.

EVAN

Sorry, I brought my mom. Her sitter was out of town.

TAMMY

Pleasure to meet, you Mrs. Bertram.

As Tammy is extending a hand, Samantha is quick to slap it down.

SAMANTHA

Aaah! Germs!

INT. SCARBOROUGH APARTMENTS - SMALL WOOD-WALLED ROOM

Tammy leads Evan and Samantha into a crowded, small, candle-lit, messy basement apartment filled with voodoo dolls, shrunken heads and various religious symbols. 

Sitting on the bed, in prayer, is a catholic priest, JOHN, early-40s, priestly-collar, black suit, clean.

EVAN

I hate to point this out. But this environment doesn’t even come close to reflecting your quote-unquote “profession”?

JOHN

I find a submersion in all faiths enlightening-- Not to mention, the gratifying reputation as the bad-boy of religion.

TAMMY

Father John, my friend Evan, here, would like to address the legal proceedings within the dark recesses of Satan’s underworld. Is there anything you can do?

JOHN

Such a matter would take $40, maybe $50 dollars in church donations. Taxes not included.

Evan rifles through his wallet.

EVAN

Bloody hell. You guys are worse than some sort of Rogers and Bell amalgamation.

He hands over money.

JOHN

Ah! Not so fast. You also have to confess your sins.

EVAN

What??

 (beat)

Fine. I once had impure thoughts about my Geography teacher, despite the fact she had short hair.

JOHN

Aaannd...?

EVAN

That’s it!

(beat)

Ugggh. Fine. And, I accidentally took a spoon from the cafeteria and brought it home once. I haven’t returned it since. My mom uses it in her sadness ice creams. 

SAMANTHA

Ol’ Scoop Dogg. That’s a rap reference.

EVAN

Ew. 

JOHN

(reverie)

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. Confess your sins to daddy.

EVAN

(shudders)

I feel violated.

(beat)

So, a typical Catholic Priest experience.

TAMMY

(points)

Look! You can see that Father John has already begun his off-kilter apology dance.

They observe John doing a dance resembling a native “rain dance”. John begins chanting in an aboriginal fashion.

JOHN

(repeating)

Hoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy. 

EVAN

Wow. Do you have any idea how racist, offensive and inaccurate this is?

JOHN

(stops, wearily)

 I can open another portal. But the universe just needs me to have $40 more dollars.

Just then they hear three quick bangs at the door, until it’s kicked open by CSIS Agents Sandrine and Maddox who pour in, cop-style, with guns drawn.

SANDRINE

CSIS! Nobody move!

MADDOX

We’ve had this place bugged for weeks; anyone attempting to open a portal into the underworld is to be tried in a court of top-world law!

SANDRINE

Yeah!

(to John)

Seriously? Sacramental wafers every night?

EVAN

Please, no! Priest John is helping me get to Hell for a greater purpose! He drives a Harley and listens to rock and roll and stuff! 

MADDOX

Sorry, Evan. But Canadian Law is Canadian Law-- passed down and regurgitated through its inception by slacked-jawed Europeans only a couple hundred years ago. 

SANDRINE

Seriously. There’s a law that all Moose have to be wed at Parliament.

JOHN

You’re too late, suckers!  

Everyone turns to see John stepping out to the ledge of a window over his kitchen, that leads to the side lawn. Sounds of Hell-portal wind and lightning can be heard in the distance; as well, as wind is blowing through his hair.

JOHN

As a messenger of the Lord, I’ve already unleashed a portal to Satan, the likes of which no other portal-opening Priest has ever seen! I’ll be known as the badest bad-boy God-guy of all time! Hahaha!

John makes a “satan hand gesture” and sticks out his tongue before completely exiting out the window.

EVAN

Dude needs to make two lists: Things that are good, and things that are the opposite.

EXT. SCARBOROUGH APARTMENTS - SIDE LAWN

The group of Evan, Samantha, Tammy, Sandrine and Maddox run out to find a giant portal opened a few inches above the lawn-- spinning and cracking in chaos and thunder.

Inside the portal, seen: A cold, barren wasteland.

Everyone speaks over the wind and thunder:

MADDOX

How do we close it?? Science, right??

Sandrine flips through a handbook titled, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to Fantasy”.

SANDRINE

(off book)

We have to clap and say “I believe”, over and over again.

(beat)

Wait! No; that’s Tinker Bell.

EVAN

Dammit! He was supposed to be the go-between that Skypes me to Hell; not some weird Ken Shaw weather controller.

TAMMY

The best John could do was open a portal. The rest is up to us. We may have to cross over like Moses turned to Christianity-- in my head-canon, at least.

Samantha holds Evan’s arm back.

SAMANTHA

Evan, no!

(motherly)

You are not going to a place to meddle in affairs which aren’t your own. As your legal guardian, it’s my place to force my value systems on you.

 (beat)

Oh, and the danger and such.

TAMMY

I’ll show him the ropes of being a good Religious person, Mrs. Bertram.

SAMANTHA

Oh, a girl taking the place of his mother’s value-forcing, huh? Well, you can forget it. I’m going too!

EVAN

What? How is misdirection that affective on you? Never mind. I’m taking a deep breath and going in, like when Jean Cretien tries to drink from a straw.

He takes out his phone and makes a call.

EVAN

Julie, cancel all my classes.

JULIE (O.S.)

How’d you get this number?

Evan hangs up and Tammy pulls him along, through the portal into the Hell world. Samantha follows, behind.

Maddox looks up from sharing Sandrine’s search through the book.

MADDOX

Ah, damn. They went through with it. 
(beat)
 Lunch then?

SANDRINE

Wimpy’s this time. None of that Ikea cafeteria crap: The monkeys, Maddox; the monkeys.

END OF ACT TWO

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