Episode 5: Religumatics
ACT THREE
EXT. ADLIVUN UNDERWORLD
Evan, Samantha and Tammy walk, cautiously, through the underworld, a faded grey and blue, cold and frozen wasteland covered in an eternal cloudy, overcast.
The three are shivering and frosted by the fierce cold.
EVANWait. What? Hell is supposed to be hot and full of lava and stuff.TAMMYThis is Canadian Hell.
They suddenly run in to PINGA, abnormally bigger, but slim, female ancient Inuit-dressed warrior. She is a hunter.
PINGAStop right there, for you have no place here! I am Pinga, goddess of the hunt and ferryer of souls. Ferryer isn’t a word in your realm, but it is in mine.
They see she is struggling to drag a giant, dead bull behind her.
TAMMYYou’re from Inuit legend, a pure contradiction to Christianity. Also, what’s the deal with the bull? It looks like one of the Calgary Stampede beasts?PINGAOne of the Calgary clowns had to shoot it, in front of hundreds of children, because it actually ate a dude. It’s my job to ferry this victim of human vanity and savagery back to a place of honour.
Suddenly, there’s a shaking within the bull and the group watches as Jay struggles himself out of its mouth.
JAYSorry, it took me so long to get out. I literally fell asleep in there. It was so comfortable. And can you believe he swallowed me whole? Didn’t even try chewing. Not even once.
As he’s speaking, he climbs out, wipes-off what he can of bull slime, and joins them, standing.
PINGAOh, dammit! You’re not even dead?? If my boss finds out about me ferrying another living kid across this land, I’ll get the worst year-end review ever.
(beat)
If you promise to keep my “Jay”-walking to yourself, I’ll escort you to the giant demonic creature boss.SAMANTHAWhat the hell is going on here? Am I on something? Tell me the truth.EVANJay! Can you believe it? Canadian Hell! Also, what are the odds you’d get brought down here the same time I’m here, on top of the odds of also running in to you?JAYWell, if the underworld is on a separate plain of existence, but occupies a general, same-place land-area as our world, then we’ve been in the same broad vicinity all along. As for the timing, what’s perceived as pre-destiny, or prearrangement is usually just coincidence.EVANScience!
Jay and Evan high-five each other.
The group starts walking behind Pinga, as she tracks; the area looks as bland and desolate as everywhere else.
The four continue to be shivering in the cold. Their breaths can be seen.
TAMMYEvan, I know this place may seem dreary and void of any plumbing, despite the many washrooms it surprisingly contains, but if we chose to keep faith and hope in our hearts, we can, nay, will defeat the forces of darkness. Look up to God. You just have to believe.EVANWhat? A creepy bearded old man watching our every move? What’s next? Human beings delivering mail door-to-door?SAMANTHAYeah, and what else? Newspapers?
Evan and Samantha struggle to high-five each other with their cold and stiff muscles.
They finally approach Kigatilik, sitting at a lone computer and desk, out in the middle of nowhere. The modem makes slow dial-up modem sounds.
KIGATILIKAlright. Canadian chicks in overly bundled winter, down-coats, here we come!(noticing the group)What? Oh, heh. That’s, uhh, that’s for research.PINGAKigatilik, you fool! You’ve become complacent and stale in your weirdly lone desk-spot. Seriously, I thought you had coworkers or something?KIGATILIKI ate them all!(beat)Anyway, you’re right. But, why are you telling me this while hanging around these(mockingly)children?EVANWhy’d you say it like that? Normal talk is fine.TAMMY(praying)Oh foul demon, blessed be your evil ways, a structure necessary for the Canadian underworld.KIGATILIKWhat!? Shamanistic wordings? You’re affiliated with a priest of some gender, aren’t you?TAMMYYes, Father John. Women leaders are unheard of.KIGATILIKOf course! That is what I was missing. Priests are what drive me. You see, the intellectual revolution of the over-lands has curbed the priestly trend, thus my thirst for such half-world vermin has gone soft in the last century. I must destroy this “John” to reclaim myself. Thank you.EVANGreat! That’s the first step in un-lame-inizing your lame world and its lame laws.KIGATILIKUn-lame-inizing!? To actually do that is, like, ten pay-grades above me. No; you have to see Sedna, the mistress of the sea creatures for anything substantial.(beat)Democracy, what?
Kigatilik turns and runs off in to the distance. The group, not including Pinga, is left dumbfounded. Then, to reactions:
EVANDammit! What’s wrong with this realm?? Kigikitik doesn’t even have a torture chamber or Field of Punishment around his desk area.JAYIf you want real danger, you should visit Scarborough, Ontario.TAMMYOh no! I have to save Father John from that beastly Inuit demon!(ready)I’ve got my holy water here.
She pulls out a small vile of holy water and turns, about to walk in Kigalitik’s direction.
SAMANTHAEvan, I now know why I’m here. I have to learn to care about others, the way they care about me! Not to mention, adults have an unspoken, communal preservation.EVANWhat? Are you kidding me? You’re just avoiding the main issue, like you always do! Wasn’t it American gunslinger Jeff Cooper who said “Safety is something that happens between your ears?”SAMANTHAOh, screw the Americans, with their hot hells! And, by extension, screw my previous non-apologetic ways. A man’s life is on the line; which is the eventual point any self-entitled Canadian gets involved. I’ve been waiting a long time to redeem myself, Honey. You do you.EVANI can see right through you, mom. You’re grounded when we get home.
She kisses his forehead anyway and then starts walking in the direction Kigatilik and Tammy went in. Jay and Evan watch her leave.
JAYDude, your mom just engaged in a Holy War.EVANDon’t worry. It’s nothing faith-based. She’s just been listening to a lot of Drake lately, so she’s fired up.JAYUgh. Drake. How he became the President of Canada, last year, through legal vote, I’ll never know.
EXT. SEDNA’S OFFICE BUILDING
A tall building sits out on the cold, barren, wasteland, alone. Pinga gestures to it, as Evan and Jay gaze up upon it.
PINGAWell, here you go. And remember our deal: No one is to discover that Hayden Christensen is just a giant Winnipeg mosquito.
INT. SEDNA’S OFFICE
Sedna, late-30’s, good-looking, Inuit, dressed in a business suit with short dress, her body adorned with a few sea-creature elements, sits at her desk, on phone in front of computer.
Her personal office, strangely over-looks a cityscape on the top-world.
SEDNAI told you, I want the beaked dolphins and narwhals no where near the orcas! You know how whiny they get about pokey things??(beat)Now, what’s the status on the sea minks?(listens)They’re what?!?
She hangs up the phone in frustration. Her intercom clicks on. Her secretary Elaine, late 60’s, goes on speaker.
ELAINE (V.O.)Mrs. Sedna, your semi-evil highness, there are two young gentlemen here to see you.SEDNAAh, the whale food I ordered. Send them in.
Jay and Even step through her doors and observe her, as she absentmindedly shuffles some papers in order.
Not looking up:
SEDNASo, what are your qualifications as sea mammal sustenance? Were you behaving in any way like the dumb guy in horror movies that so obviously deserves to get killed off?
Evan takes notice of the cityscape outside the window.
EVANOnce—(beat)Wait. Where are we?SEDNAOh, my building exists in both the surface-world realm and Canadian Hell simultaneously. One of the perks of being an executive. I used to be on the actual sea floor, but when I started doing it, everyone starting doing it.(notices)Hey. You’re not here to rescue your talking serpent friend, are you? That’s not the thing that’s happening right now, is it?JAYNo. We’re here because your bureaucracy is not even close to being out of control.
NATEGuys! What about me?? Is this because I sometimes watch you sleep?(beat)Oh, you’re gentle sleepers.
Jay and Evan turn to see Nate, sipping a coffee on a nearby couch, completely relaxed and seemingly treated well.
SEDNAAs you can see, I treat all my deportation victims with the best level of hospitality. I don’t use K-Cups, either. I care about the environment.
Suddenly, Nate spits out his coffee.
NATEUgh! What is this? Pine-cone flavoured? Trying too hard, there, Harper Government.EVANYou’re in charge? But you’re just some hot, intelligent and well-respected, business person?? The real lord and master of the underworld is completely evil, has hooves, horns, a pitchfork, and is commonly known as the Devil— and/or Satan.SEDNAWhat? How dare you! I’m the Canadian Devil! Instead, I care for the sea creatures of our land and safely coordinate their habitats in a loving and nurturing manner!(beat)Oh, and I’m also a woman—(beat)Oh, and I’m also a woman who looks up to Kathleen Wynne.EVANOh— UGH!?! Everything was fine right up until that last thing, which is just so... sick. Just— awful.
He tries to hold in the urge to throw up.
EVANI guess I’m going to have accept this non-firey, Nordic repository for what it is? A decaying wasteland of nothing??SEDNAI will take that as a sorry! Besides, I designed it that way. We’ve had a double-honour soul seal of approval for ten years now. Winners of the Quiet Realm Festival, right behind Shambhala, where it’s nothing but monks meditating all day. Sure, we’re nothing like the Greek Underworld, full of screaming chicks, three-headed guard dogs, and the option of being reborn over and over again, but we’ve got Pierre Trudeau.(beat)That hippy, drug dealer.
Suddenly, both Maddox and Sandrine bust through the door, holding guns drawn.
SANDRINEEverybody, freeze! You’re one apology too far-in for some serious jail time.MADDOXWe realized Canadian Hell was being run by Sedna and found her shared-realm business address in an ad in the Toronto Sun.EVANOh, yeah. They’ll put anything in there.(beat)Sandrine, Maddox, wait. I was the original over-apologizer that began a chain reaction portal-opening frenzy to Hell. But I only did it because I opposed Sedna’s Vancouver deporting practices. I’m sorry.
Suddenly a tear in space-time opens up over Nate.
NATEAh! You jerk! Your apology for over-apologizing just amplified your previous portal and opened a tear in the space-time continuum!EVANDammit! That’s a thing?? I knew I should’ve took the Father John quest. I’m sorry I didn’t?NATEStop it! Stop it!EVANSorry, sorry, sorry!?!?NATEStopppp ittttt!!!!EVANSooooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyy!!!SEDNAYou fools! This is going to destroy all of reality!(beat)Fine! I will update the laws and stature of my realm to something more edgier, but it will take some time! Just take your pathetic lake serpent and go!
As the stormy, violent nature of the rift accelerates, everyone runs out the door, leaving Sedna to the horror-tear in her office. She looks at it, despairingly.
EXT. BERTRAM HOUSE - SIDEWALK
Evan and Tammy stop walking when they reach where the driveway intersects with the sidewalk. The trashed car is still there.
EVANWell, this is me. It sure was nice of the agents to only half-fine me. It should take only ten years to pay off, which is half the length what Ontario college student’s take.TAMMYYour mother was also instrumental in defeating Kigatilik. And all it took was an opportunity for her to use two full Nelsons and one Canadian Destroyer.EVANYeah, she won gold in Olympic Wrestling Lutte. That’s the lesson there.TAMMYSo, was the experience eye-opening to the holy realms and omnipresence of the one and only true Lord?EVANAll I saw were demonic entities, magical portals, and laws of a higher, mystical power that governs us. Nothing to confirm the existence of this “God” or “intelligent designer”.
Evan makes the air-quotes.
TAMMYI suppose not, despite that I was really holding out on that. Never-the-less, your defiance of what 5-point-3 billion people already believe in intrigues me. Coffee?EVANOh, sure. Just because we have different points of view doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.TAMMYBy the way, your mother and Kigalitik, the demon of all demons, are dating now.EVANMy mother!? Dammit, I completely forgot about her.TAMMYWhat are you going to do now?EVANWe have to go back. Back to the future!TAMMYThe what?
EVANI mean Canadian Hell. Though, how cool would it be if we had to go back to the future?(beat)Alright. More of this? Let's do more of this.
THE END